Category Archives: BWAHAHAHAHAHA

Please SKIP if you have no sense of humor!

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Wedding ring, Byzantium, 7th c. AD, nielloed gold.

Image via Wikipedia Wedding ring, Byzantium, 7th c. AD, nielloed gold

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
OR get married and wish you were dead.

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At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’

‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

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A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

Husband Wanted’.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

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A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

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A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’

Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

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Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’

Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

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‘A Woman’s Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods.  Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

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AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’

Thanks, Dan!

The Texas Chili Contest

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Fresh red chile de árbol chili peppers

Fresh Red Chili de Arbol Chili Peppers Image via Wikipedia

Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cooking contest. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.” Here are the scorecards from the advent:

(I was Judge #3)

Chili # 1 Eddie’s Maniac Monster Chili…

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 — (Me) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili # 2 Austin’s Afterburner Chili…

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3 Ronny’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili…

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

Judge # 2 — A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now: Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting pie-eyed from all of the beer…

Chili # 4 Dave’s Black Magic…

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5 Lisa’s Legal Lip Remover…

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the c

ayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

Chili # 6 Pam’s Very Vegetarian Variety…

Judge # 1 — Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Chili # 7 Carla’s Screaming Sensation Chili…

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.
I’ve decided to stop breathing; it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8 Karen’s Toenail Curling Chili…

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?”

Judge # 3 — Oh God………

{{Note: Even Himself laughed over this one!}}

A List of Funnies! Enjoy!

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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through the Forest? They Take The Psychopath

4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On the Ice too Long? Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t Work? A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters in Quicksand? Quatro Cinco.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? Frostbite.

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean and Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.

14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef and Pea Soup? Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? Because It Scares Their Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served on the Titanic? Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley and a Hoover?! The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckles On Their Hats.

21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer and a Bad Skydiver? A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How is a Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce the Same? Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer.

And, now–last but not least…

** Your Health Reminder of the Week **

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

Jokes Based on the Word Why

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Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that to stop Windows 95 or 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why do you need a driver’s license to buy booze when you can’t drink and drive?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

Why did kamakazi pilots wear crash helmets?

Why is it if you send a package by Ship it is called Cargo, and if you send it by Car it is called a Shipment?

MORE QUESTIONS ADDED!!!

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

ENGLISH IS STRANGE:

English is very strange

Did you know that “verb” is a noun?

How can you look up words in a dictionary if you can’t spell them?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren’t two houses hice?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

If you wrote a letter, perhaps you bote your tongue?

If you’ve read a book, you can reread it. But wouldn’t this also mean that you would have to “member” somebody in order to remember them?

In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

Is it a coincidence that the only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable?

Is there another word for a synonym?

Shouldn’t there be a shorter word for “monosyllabic”?

What is another word for “thesaurus”?

Where do swear words come from?

Why can’t you make another word using all the letters in “anagram”?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why do people use the word “irregardless”?

Why do some people type “cool” as “kewl?”

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Why do we say something’s out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

Why does “cleave” mean both split apart and stick together?

Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

Why does the Chinese ideogram for trouble symbolize two women living under one roof?

Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

Why doesn’t “onomatopoeia” sound like what it is?

Why don’t we say “why” instead of “how come”?

Why is “crazy man” an insult, while to insert a comma and say “Crazy, man!” is a compliment?

Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC?

Why is it that no word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple?

Why is it that the word “gullible” isn’t in the dictionary?

Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

Why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

Why isn’t “palindrome” spelled the same way backwards?

Why isn’t phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Sumbitch

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Seal of the President of the United States

Image via Wikipedia

A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural TEXAS . Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.  By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered the farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone. They spotted the farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened. They hurried over to the man’s tractor.

“Hank,” the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident  happen?”

“Yep. Sure did,” the farmer mumbled, unconcerned, cutting off the tractor’s engine.

“Do you realize that is Air Force One, the airplane of the President of the United States ?”

“Yep.”

“Were there any survivors?”

“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out,” the farmer answered. “I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.”

“President Obama is dead?” the sheriff asked.

“Well,” the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t. But you know how bad that sumbitch lies.”

Texting for Seniors

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Texting on a keyboard phone

Image via Wikipedia

Teens have theirs, now seniors have their own texting codes (LOL OMG e.g.). I thought the following listing was appropriate … after all the kids have all their little codes…like BFF, LOL, etc. So here are some codes for seniors:

ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TOT – Texting on Toilet
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’re the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil

Hope these help.

GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)

Texas beer joint sues church

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First Baptist Church, downtown Dallas, Texas.

Image via Wikipedia

I have no idea where this one came from – it’s being passed along via the e-mail route as well as in the blogosphere. Enjoy!

ONLY IN TEXAS … Texas Beer Joint Sues Church in MT.Vernon, Texas .

Drummond’s Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the bar from expanding. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After it was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”