Category Archives: Funny

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN – IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE

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A bit of fun with words…….
Lexophile:
Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

…. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
…. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
…. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
…. The batteries were given out free of charge.
…. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
…. A will is a dead giveaway.
…. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
…. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
…. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
…. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
…. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
…. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
…. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
…. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
…. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
…. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
…. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:
…. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end!

And Then It Is Winter

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I first started reading this & was reading fast until I reached the third sentence. I stopped and started over reading slower and slower and thinking about every word. This is very thought provoking. Makes you stop and think. Read slowly!

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And Then It Is Winter

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is – the ‘Back Nine’ of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that ‘I was only on the first hole’ and the ‘Back Nine’ was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it’s mandatory! Cause if I don’t on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did ! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the ‘Back Nine’, and I’m not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it’s over on this earth . . . it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn’t done . . . things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have done. It’s all in a lifetime.

So, if you’re not on the ‘Back Nine’ yet . . . let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don’t put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the ‘Back Nine’ or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . . so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

“Life” is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Remember, “It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

~ Your kids are becoming you . . . but your grandchildren are perfect
~ Going out is good . . . Coming home is better!
~ You forget names . . . But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
~ You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything . . . especially golf
~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore!
~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s called “pre-sleep”.
~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..
~ You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . “what?” . . . “when?”. . . ???
~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
~ You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless!”
~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~ Everybody whispers.
~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . . . 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~ But Old is good in some things
~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts!

Seniors Overheard At Cracker Barrel

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FoodFriday #17: Cracker Barrel - Old Country Store
Seniors Overheard At Cracker Barrel

A group of seniors met for lunch and were sitting around talking about all their ailments:

“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What?  Speak up!  What?  I can’t hear you!”

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting older,” winced a senior man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said one of the women cheerfully – – “Thank God all of us can still drive.”

Gentle? Humor!

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”
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The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi.
“You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
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The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
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The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
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The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church. . .”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ ”
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Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The 545 People Responsible for All of America’s Woes

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HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READ!!

The 545.

Although written about 25 years ago, this is a timeless piece, and deserves wide reading.

{By the way, I do NOT support Ron Paul, so don’t feel that you should purchase his books from this website.}

For Those Born 1930-1979

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms…….

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them – CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, share it with your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

Old Age at Its Best

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Carmon and Bill, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Carmon didn’t show up. Bill didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Carmon hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bill didn’t know where Carmon lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Carmon, but one day,

Bill approached the park and– lo and behold!–there sat Carmon! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, “For crying out loud, Carmon, what in the world happened to you?”

Carmon replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail!” cried Bill. What in the world for?”

“Well,” Carmon said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Bill, “I remember her. What about her?

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded, “Guilty.”

“The judge gave me 30-days for perjury.”