Texas beer joint sues church

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First Baptist Church, downtown Dallas, Texas.

Image via Wikipedia

I have no idea where this one came from – it’s being passed along via the e-mail route as well as in the blogosphere. Enjoy!

ONLY IN TEXAS … Texas Beer Joint Sues Church in MT.Vernon, Texas .

Drummond’s Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign with petitions and prayers to block the bar from expanding. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!

After it was burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about “the power of prayer”, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church … “was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, “I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”

Old Age at Its Best

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Carmon and Bill, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Carmon didn’t show up. Bill didn’t think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Carmon hadn’t shown up for a week or so, Bill really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bill didn’t know where Carmon lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Bill figured he had seen the last of Carmon, but one day,

Bill approached the park and– lo and behold!–there sat Carmon! Bill was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, “For crying out loud, Carmon, what in the world happened to you?”

Carmon replied, “I have been in jail.”

“Jail!” cried Bill. What in the world for?”

“Well,” Carmon said, “you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?”

“Yeah,” said Bill, “I remember her. What about her?

“Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded, “Guilty.”

“The judge gave me 30-days for perjury.”

God loves Drunk People Too

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man  gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it is 3:00 in the morning!”

He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks. “No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too.

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing set,” replied the drunk.

Thanx, and a tip of the Red Hat to Lawrence over at MPI Direct

A Boy’s Understanding

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I was eating lunch today with my 10-year-old grandson when his mom asked him “What is tomorrow?”

He said “It’s President’s Day”

She asked “What does that mean?”

I was waiting for something profound.

He said, “President’s Day is when Obama steps out of the White House and if he sees his shadow, we have 2 more years of unemployment.”

I almost snorted my iced tea…

Welfare Check

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A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “Hi. You know…., I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and body guard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.  You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips.  This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said,

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“Yeah, well … You started it.”

The New Hat

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I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam.. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady.”I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”

“But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, “Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

just bought this hat yesterday!”

Thanx to Bernice!

The Hotel Bill

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An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London ‘s most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast.”

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced, “The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from Liverpool, Glasgow and Dublin performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager, unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!!”

Do not mess with senior citizens!

Thanx to Himself!