Category Archives: PUNS! You’ve Been Warned!

ALWAYS LAUGH WHEN YOU CAN – IT’S CHEAP MEDICINE

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A bit of fun with words…….
Lexophile:
Lexophile” is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish”, or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location.
This year’s winning submission is posted at the very end.

…. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
…. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
…. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
…. The batteries were given out free of charge.
…. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
…. A will is a dead giveaway.
…. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
…. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
…. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
…. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
…. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
…. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
…. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
…. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
…. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
…. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she’d dye.
…. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:
…. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end!

Puns For Educated Minds

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  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned outto be an optical Aleutian.
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  10. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  11. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  12. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  13. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  14. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  15. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  16. A backward poet writes inverse.
  17. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  18. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  19. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you’d be in Seine.
  20. Thanks, SB!!

Ten Puns

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1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says,”Dam”!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says “Are you sure?”

The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did????

Creative Puns for Educated Minds

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  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here; I’ll go on a head.’
  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’
  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’
  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
  18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
  20. A backward poet writes inverse.
  21. In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
  22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
  23. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!

Thanks to VincentH!!

Lexophiles – AKA Punsters!

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LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS):

1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.

16. A calendar’s days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

30. The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

31. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

32. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

33. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

34. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

35. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

36. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

37. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

38. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

39. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

40. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

41. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

42. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

43. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, ‘No change yet.’

44. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

45. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

46. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Halloween [Groaner]

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Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car. Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding! Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house.

He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail.

Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly.

Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise, marking the beat! He is further amazed as Betty and Bob both sit straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory.

He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“‘Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!”

HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS) (Very Punny)

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  • I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  • Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
  • The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work
  • To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  • When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
  • The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
  • A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  • A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
  • Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
  • We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
  • When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
  • The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
  • The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
  • The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
  • If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
  • A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
  • A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
  • A will is a dead giveaway.
  • Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
  • A backward poet writes inverse.
  • In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
  • A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
  • If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
  • With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
  • Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
  • When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
  • The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
  • A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blown apart.
  • You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
  • Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
  • He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
  • A calendar’s days are numbered.
  • A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
  • A boiled egg is hard to beat.
  • He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
  • A plateau is a high form of flattery.
  • Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  • When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
  • If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
  • When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
  • Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.
  • Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
  • Acupuncture: a jab well done.

Thanks to DanL for the multiple giggles!!