Category Archives: Incredibly Funny

Ponderisms

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(Some Things to Think About, But Not Too Seriously)

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.

3- Life is sexually transmitted.

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10- In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs? . .

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19- Can you cry under water?

20- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

21- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

22- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

23- Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

24- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

25- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

26- What disease did cured ham actually have?

27- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

28- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

29- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

30- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

31- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

32- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

33- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

34- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

35- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

36- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

38- What do you call male ballerinas?

39- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

40- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

41- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

42- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

43- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

44- Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

45- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

46- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

47- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

48- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

49- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

50- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

51- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

52- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

53- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

54- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

55- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

56- “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

57- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

58- What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

59- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

60- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

61- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

62- No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

63- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went bonkers.

64- Ever wonder about those people who spend $3.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

65- Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

66- OK … so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

67- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

68- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then …….

69- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

70- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

72- Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

73- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

74- Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

75- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

76- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

77- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

78- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

79- Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

80- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

81- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

82- If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

83- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

84- Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

85- Why is 71 missing?

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Best Menopause Question Ever

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Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2

DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND

UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT

BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES

OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT

DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE

TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I’m sorry. What was the question?

Thanks to Suzanna

Why I Fired My Secretary

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Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ” Happy Birthday.”

I thought…. Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss,and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked

If you take an Oriental –

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  • If you take an Oriental and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  • If people from Poland are called “Poles,” why aren’t people from Holland called “Holes?”
  • Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack, anyway?
  • Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  • If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
  • Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn’t they be wearing nightgowns?
  • If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  • When someone asks you, ‘A penny for your thoughts, ‘and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  • When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  • Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?
  • Why are a wise man and wise guy opposites?
  • Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  • If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?
  • Why isn’t eleven pronounced onety one?
  • “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence? Think about it.
  • If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
  • Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as “4’s”?
  • Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Thanks to LawrenceM!

Motherly Love!

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Alligator Mom

Alligator Mom

Baboon Mom

Baboon Mom

Cheetah Mom

Cheetah Mom

Duck Mom

Duck Mom

Elephant Mom

Elephant Mom

Giraffe Mom

Giraffe Mom

Gorilla Mom

Gorilla Mom

Otter Mom

Otter Mom

Polar Bear Mom 01

Polar Bear Mom 01

Polar Bear Mom 02

Polar Bear Mom 02

Polar Bear Mom 03

Polar Bear Mom 03

Polar Bear Mom 04

Polar Bear Mom 04

Snail Mom

Snail Mom

Tiger Mom

Tiger Mom

And Then There is Human Mother Love?

And Then There is Human Mother Love?

NOTE: If you are the owner of any of these pictures and wish me to remove them, please let me know in a comment.

Wisdom of Larry the Cable Guy

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1. A day without sunshine is like night.

2. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap

9. Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

13. How many of you believe in psycho kinesis? Raise my hand.

14. OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

15. When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?

20. Why do psychics have to ask you your name?

21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, ‘What the heck happened?’

22. Just remember — if the world didn’t suck, we would all fall off.

23. Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

24. Life isn’t like a box of chocolates. It’s more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.

Thanks to Woolfolk!