Category Archives: Hilarious

For Those Born 1930-1979

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TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED the 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn’t get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank Kool-aid made with sugar, but we weren’t overweight because,

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo’s, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms…….

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

If YOU are one of them – CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

While you are at it, share it with your kids so they will know how brave (and lucky) their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn’t it?!

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The Hotel Bill

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An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in one of London ‘s most expensive hotels.

When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.

She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. “It’s a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren’t worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast.”

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the ‘standard rate’, so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced, “The hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use.”

“But I didn’t use them,” she said.

”Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from Liverpool, Glasgow and Dublin performing here,” the Manager said.

“But I didn’t go to any of those shows,” she said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, “But I didn’t use it!” and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion with the Manager, unmoved, she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. “But Madam, this cheque is for only £50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have!!”

Do not mess with senior citizens!

Thanx to Himself!



Is Hell Getting Hotter or Colder?

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I’ve seen this before, but worth reading again.

The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student.

The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, “It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct, leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting “Oh my God.”

This student received an A+.

Thanx to Lawrence at MPI Direct

Why I Fired My Secretary

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Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ” Happy Birthday.”

I thought…. Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss,and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked

How is Norma Doing?

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A sweet grandmother telephoned Parkview Hospital . She timidly asked, ‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’

The operator said ‘I’ll be glad to help dear. What’s the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you .. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.’

Great Tips for 2009

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1.  Stay out of trouble.

Stay Out of Trouble

Stay Out of Trouble


2.  Aim for greater heights.

Aim for Greater Heights

Aim for Greater Heights


3.  Stay focused on your job.

Stay Focused on Your Job

Stay Focused on Your Job


4.  Exercise to maintain good health.

Exercise for Good Health

Exercise for Good Health


5.  Practice team work.

Practice Team Work

Practice Team Work


6.  Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.  Take your time trusting others.

Rely on You Trusted Partner to Watch Your Back

Rely on You Trusted Partner to Watch Your Back

7.  Save for rainy days.

Save for Rainy Days

Save for Rainy Days


8.  Rest and relax.

Rest and Relax

Rest and Relax

9.  Always take time to smile.

Always Take Time to Smile

Always Take Time to Smile


AND

10.  Realize that nothing is impossible.

Realize Nothing is Impossible

Realize Nothing is Impossible


This should make you smile:

This Should Make You Smile

This Should Make You Smile

SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

‘How old was your husband?’
’98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded , ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’


The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.


I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It’s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
For fast relief
.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

Men with Badges

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A task force consisting of a DEA agent, an ATF and an FBI agent arrive at a ranch in western Nebraska.

The agents tell the rancher, “We need to inspect your ranch for illegal drugs.”

“Help yourself,” the old rancher says, “but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA agent practically explodes. He whips out has badge, sticks it in the rancher’s face. “Mister, we have the authority of the Federal Government behind us,” he sneers, “and we’ll go anywhere we feel like going. Got it?!”

“Yes, sir,” the rancher says.

“Good,” the agent says. “Now you can go about your chores while we go about ours.”

A few minutes later, the old rancher hears screams and looks up to see the agents in the field he warned them about. All three are running for their lives — close behind is his biggest, meanest bull. With every step the bull is gaining ground on the agents. They are clearly terrified.

The old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs…

“Your badges! Show him your badges!”