Qantas Gripe Sheets and Solutions

Standard

Just in case you need a laugh:

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet”, which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas’ pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.

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 P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on backorder.

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P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

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P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That’s what friction locks are for.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you’re right.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

    Thanks to Lawrence at MPIDirect

 

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About turtlemom3

Early 70’s Orthodox Christian, wife, mother, grandmother, nurse with PhD, disabled. Have wonderful service dog - Warrior! Married to the Ol’ Curmudgeon - and I’m pretty doggone happy about that! Interests: Orthodox Christianity; reading; service dogs; computers, woodworking Greatest Life Experiences: Converting to Orthodoxy, Caving in Idaho, Attending Russian Orthodox Choir Conference (Oh! that music!). Favorite Things Back in High School: Reading; classical music - nerdy things. Favorite Things Back in College: Reading; classical music - nerdy things Favorite Things to do Now: Reading; classical music, computer stuff, surfing the internet - nerdy things - no real change! Favorite TV Programs: Anything about Sci-fi or forensics - or both? Favorite Movies: The Chosen; Ostrov; 84 Charing Cross Rd; Air Force One; Becket; Indiana Jones; Star Wars; Favorite Music: Russian Orthodox (Christian) chant; Bach; Mozart's Magic Flute Favorite Quote: The body is a slave, the soul a sovereign, and therefore it is due to Divine mercy when the body is worn out by illness: for thereby the passions are weakened, and a man comes to himself; indeed, bodily illness itself is sometimes caused by the passions.”~*~ St. Seraphim of Sarov, Spiritual Instructions Favorite Authors: Robert Heinlein; Mercedes Lackey; Anne MacCaffrey, Fr. Steven Ritter, Sarah Elizabeth Cowrie, St. Nikolai Velimirovic - among many others

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