From time to time I designate jokes as “Adult Content” and password protect them. If you would like me to send you the password, please add a comment to this post, and I’ll e-mail the password to you (leave e-mail in the appropriate slot). Please, also leave your birthyear.

Thank you.

Your result for The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test…

The Resistance

Achtung! You are 38% brainwashworthy, 32% antitolerant, and 57% blindly patriotic

Take The Would You Have Been a Nazi Test at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The Kill Bill Vol 2 Test…

Beatrix Kiddo

Congratulations! You scored ###!

Take The Kill Bill Vol 2 Test at HelloQuizzy

Your result for The Kill Bill Test…

The Bride

Congratulations! You scored ###%!

Take The Kill Bill Test at HelloQuizzy

You Are a Doris!

I am Doris!

You are a Doris — “I must help others.”

Dorises are warm, concerned, nurturing, and sensitive to other people’s needs.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Tell me that you appreciate me. Be specific.
• * Share fun times with me.
• * Take an interest in my problems, though I will probably try to focus on yours.
• * Let me know that I am important and special to you.
• * Be gentle if you decide to criticize me.

In Intimate Relationships

• * Reassure me that I am interesting to you.
• * Reassure me often that you love me.
• * Tell me I’m attractive and that you’re glad to be seen with me.

What I Like About Being a Doris

• * being able to relate easily to people and to make friends
• * knowing what people need and being able to make their lives better
• * being generous, caring, and warm
• * being sensitive to and perceptive about others’ feelings
• * being enthusiastic and fun-loving, and having a good sense of humor

What’s Hard About Being a Doris

• * not being able to say no
• * having low self-esteem
• * feeling drained from overdoing for others
• * not doing things I really like to do for myself for fear of being selfish
• * criticizing myself for not feeling as loving as I think I should
• * being upset that others don’t tune in to me as much as I tume in to them
• * working so hard to be tactful and considerate that I suppress my real feelings

Dorises as Children Often

• * are very sensitive to disapproval and criticism
• * try hard to please their parents by being helpful and understanding
• * are outwardly compliant
• * are popular or try to be popular with other children
• * act coy, precocious, or dramatic in order to get attention
• * are clowns and jokers (the more extroverted Dorises), or quiet and shy (the more introverted Dorises)

Dorises as Parents

• * are good listeners, love their children unconditionally, and are warm and encouraging (or suffer guilt if they aren’t)
• * are often playful with their children
• * wonder: “Am I doing it right?” “Am I giving enough?” “Have I caused irreparable damage?”
• * can become fiercely protective

Thanks to Meg for setting me onto this!

Poetic Injustice

or Poe Revisted

Once upon a midnight dreary,
Fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high
And wasted paper on the floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets,
Still I sat there, doing spreadsheets;
Having reached the bottom line,
I took a floppy from the drawer.
Typing with a steady hand,
I then invoked the SAVE command
And waited for the disk to store,
Only this and nothing more.

Deep into the monitor peering,
Long I sat there wond’ring, fearing,
Doubting, while the disk kept churning,
Turning yet to churn some more.
Save!” I said, “You cursed mother!
Save my data from before!”
One thing did the phosphors answer,
Only this and nothing more,
Just, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Was this some occult illusion?
Some maniacal intrusion?
These were choices undesired,
Ones I’d never faced before.
Carefully, I weighed the choices
As the disk made impish noises.
The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting,
Baiting me to type some more.
Clearly I must press a key,
Choosing one and nothing more, from
“Choose Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

With my fingers pale and trembling,
Slowly toward the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending,
Hoping all would be restored,
Praying for some guarantee,
Timidly I pressed a key.
But on the screen there still persisted
Words appearing as before.
Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted,
Haunted, as my patience wore,
Saying “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

I tried to catch the chips off-guard,
I pressed again, but twice as hard.
I pleaded with the cursed machine,
I begged and cried and then I swore.
Now in frantic desperation,
Trying random combinations,
Still there came the incantation,
Just as senseless as before.
Cursor blinking, angrily winking,
Blinking nonsense as before,
Reading, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

There I sat, distraught, exhausted
By my own machine accosted
Getting up I turned away
And paced across the office floor.
And then I saw the dreadful sight:
A lightning bolt cut through the night.
A gasp of horror overtook me,
Shook me to my core.
That lightning zapped my previous data,
Lost and gone forevermore.
Not even, “Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

To this day I do not know
The place to which lost data goes.
What demonic nether world
Is wrought where data will be stored,
Beyond the reach of mortal souls,
Beyond the aether, some black hole?
But while there’s C, Pascal and Java,
Word, Excel, email and more,
You’ll one day be left to wander,
Lost on some Plutonian shore, pleading,
“Abort, Retry, Ignore?”

Thanx to EGB!!

Think outside the box – An 8.1 Billion dollar Economy Package

When a company falls on difficult times, one of the things that seems to happen are they reduce their staff and workers.   The remaining workers need to find ways to continue to do a good job or risk that their job would be eliminated as well.  Wall street, and the media normally congratulate the CEO for making this type of “tough decision”, and his board of directors gives him a big bonus.

I feel our government should not be immune from similar risks. I therefore am recommending the following cuts to be implemented by the next president elect.

Reduce the House of Representatives from the current 435 members to 218 members and Senate members from 100 to 50.  Also reduce remaining staff by 25%.  Accomplish this over the next 8 years. (two steps / two elections)

Some yearly monetary gains include:

$44,108,400 for elimination of base pay for congress.  (267 members X $165,200 pay / member / yr.)

$97,175,000 for elimination of the above people’s staff.  (estimate $1.3 Mil in staff per each member of the House, and $3 Mil in staff per each member of the Senate every year)

$24,294 for the reduction in remaining staff by 25%.

$7,500,000 reduction in pork barrel ear-marks each year. (those members who’s jobs are gone.  Current estimates for total government pork earmarks are at $15 Billion / yr)

The remaining representatives would need to work smarter and would need to improve efficiencies.  It might even be in their best interests to work together for the good of our country?

We may also expect that smaller committees might lead to a more efficient resolution of issues as well.  It might even be easier to keep track of what your representative is doing.

Congress has more tools available to do their jobs than it had back in 1911 when the current number of representatives was established.  (telephone, computers, cell phones to name a few)

Note: Congress did not hesitate to jump on a train for home this week when it was a holiday, when the nation needed a real fix to the economic problems.  Also, we have 3 senators that have not been doing their jobs for the past 18+ months (on the campaign trail) and still they all have been accepting full pay.   These facts alone support a reduction in senators & congress.

Summary of opportunity:

$ 44,108,400  reduction of congress members

$282,100,000 for elimination of the reduced house member staff

$150,000,000 for elimination of reduced senate member staff

$ 59,675,000 for 25% reduction of staff for remaining house members

$ 37,500,000 for 25% reduction of staff for  remaining senate members

$ 7,500,000,000 reduction in pork added to bills by the reduction of congress members.

$ 8,073,383,400 per year, estimated total savings.

Big business does these types of cuts all the time.

I also recommend that congress be put on SOCIAL SECURITY because then it would be fixed immediately

IF you are happy with how our government is right now, just delete this message.  IF you are not happy, I assume you know what to do.

Thanks to Joelsam!

My friend Andreas posted this on The Sagebrush Gazette.

Top 10 Signs You Might Be a Taliban, if…

1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $50,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least two.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

He has a very strange sense of humor, but we love him!

Here’s a game of tag I haven’t seen before…it’s pretty funny!

Do you know the #1 song the day you were born? Go to http://www.joshhosler.biz/
and look up the number one song for your birth date. Add your first name at the bottom of the list and put the name of the song beside it! Then email it to your friends and be sure to add it as a comment below!

Vicki – “People Got to Be Free” by The Rascals
Rhonda – “Get Back” by The Beatles
Brenda – “Buttons and Bows” by Dinah Shore
Audrey – Scatter Brain by Frank Masters
Sandy – Only Forever by Bing Crosby
Pat – “Scatter Brain” by Frank Masters
ALVIN – “Peg O’ My Heart” by The Harmonicats
Anna – “Cathy’s Clown” by the Everly Brothers
Kitty – “Chattanooga Choo-Choo” by Glenn Miller
Andy – “(I’ve Got a Gal in) Kalamazoo” by Glenn Miller
Barbara – “The Tennessee Waltz” by Patti Page
Kim – “(Just Like) Starting Over” by John Lennon
Geoff – “Mañana (Is Soon Enough for Me)” by Peggy Lee
Joel – “Just My Imagination (Running Away with Me)” by The Temptations
Turtlemom3 – “(I’ve Got a Gal in) Kalamazoo” by Glenn Miller

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said,

“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“I’ll be all right… I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him.

She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

Moral: Never Make Assumptions!

Thanks to DanL!!

EVER WONDER … Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

EVER WONDER … Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

EVER WONDER … Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

EVER WONDER … Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

EVER WONDER … Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

EVER WONDER … Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

EVER WONDER … Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

EVER WONDER … Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

EVER WONDER … Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

EVER WONDER … Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

EVER WONDER … Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

EVER WONDER … You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

EVER WONDER … Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

EVER WONDER … Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

EVER WONDER … If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

EVER WONDER … If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)…in other words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

===================================================

1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men’s used size 14-16 work boots.

2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns and Ammo Magazine.

3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

Hey Bubba, Me, Big Jim, Duke and Slim went for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don’t mess with the pit bulls – they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don’t think Killer took part in it but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside.

“Cooter”

===================================================

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If

it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb – it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Thanks to Shinozi!

Dedicated to “Boots” Troxall!!

Two young guys were talking about what they wanted to find in their mate. One friend said,”Some people say people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What do you think?”

The second friend replied, “I think they’re right. That’s why I am looking for a girl with money!“

Thanks to Riverdotr

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all?’

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Thanks to SherylB!!

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was a DEA agent and that the dog was a ’sniffing dog’. “His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.”

The plane took off, and once it has leveled out, the agent said, “Watch this.”

He told Sniffer to “search”. Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “Good boy”, and he turned to the man and said, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

“Say, that’s pretty neat,” replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm. The agent said, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“I like it!” said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to “search” again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to shit all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the agent “What’s going on?”

The agent nervously replied, “He just found a bomb.”

Thanks to Indiainkspots!