Things I learned living in Georgia

1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia.

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.

5. ‘Onced’ and ‘Twiced’ are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!

7. ‘Jaw-P?’ means ‘Did ya’ll go to the bathroom?’

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. ‘Fixinto’ is one word.

10. There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea (made with sugar!!) is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.

12. Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’

13. The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?.’

14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.

15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM.

16. ‘No. Jew?’ is a common response to the question ‘Did you bring any cokes?’

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car — for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Picante, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a bit warm.’

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-Martin’ or ‘off to Wally World.’

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew weather. (or chili).

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don’t need no dang driver’s ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Georgia friends and those who just wish they were from Georgia.

Have a blessed day!

Thanks to Shinozi!!

How not to write a resume

Shamelessly lifted from one of my fora, where I just cracked up reading it.

Resume Cover Letters:  These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in Fortune Magazine:

1. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms.”
2. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
3. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
4. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
5. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
6. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
7. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
8. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
9. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
10. “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
11. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
12. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
13. “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
14. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
15. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
16. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”
17. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
18. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
19. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
20. “Finished eighth in class of ten.”
21. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”