27 August 08 at 1:16 pm (BWAHAHAHAHAHA)
It seems the Democrats have suddenly developed a keen sense of morality.
John Edwards has been banned from making a speech at the Democratic National Convention for having an affair and lying about it.
Instead Bill Clinton will be speaking in his place!
16 August 08 at 6:26 pm (GLURGE WARNING!, Get the Tissues!)
Warning – Glurge attack!
I was walking around in a Target store, when I saw a cashier hand this little boy some money back.
The boy couldn’t have been more than 5 or 6 years old.
The cashier said, “I’m sorry, but you don’t have enough money to buy this doll.”
Then the little boy turned to the old woman next to him: ”Granny, are you sure I don’t have enough money?”
The old lady replied: ”You know that you don’t have enough money to buy this doll, my dear.”
Then she asked him to stay the re for just 5 minutes while she went to look around. She left quickly.
The little boy was still holding the doll in his hand.
Finally, I walked toward him and I asked him who he wished to give this doll to.
“It’s the doll that my sister loved most and wanted so much for Christmas. She was sure that Santa Claus would bring it to her.”
I replied to him that maybe Santa Claus would bring it to her after all, and not to worry.
But he replied to me sadly. “No, Santa Claus can’t bring it to her where she is now. I have to give the doll to my Mommy so that she can give it to my sister when she goes there.”
His eyes were so sad while saying this.
“My Sister has gone to be with God. Daddy says that Mommy is going to see God very soon too, so I thought that she could take the doll with her to give it to my sister.”
My heart nearly stopped.
The little boy looked up at me and said: “I told daddy to tell mommy not to go yet. I need her to wait until I come back from the mall.”
Then he showed me a very nice photo of him where he was laughing. He then told me. “I want mommy to take my picture with her so she won’t forget me.”
“I love my mommy and I wish she doesn’t have to leave me, but Daddy says that she has to go to be with my little sister.”
Then he looked again at the doll with sad eyes, very quietly.
I quickly reached for my wallet and said to the boy. “Suppose we check again, just in case you do have enough money for the doll?”
“OK,” he said, “I hope I do have enough.” I added some of my money to his without him seeing and we started to count it. There was enough for the doll and even some spare money.
The little boy said: “Thank you God for giving me enough money!”
Then he looked at me and added, “I asked last night before I went to sleep for God to make sure I had enough money to buy this doll, so that mommy could give It to my sister. He heard me!”
“I also wanted to have enough money to buy a white rose for my mommy, but I didn’t dare to ask God for too much. But He gave me enough to buy the doll and a white rose.”
“My mommy loves white roses.”
A few minutes later, the old lady returned and I left with my basket.
I finished my shopping in a totally different state from when I started. I couldn’t get the little boy out of my mind.
Then I remembered a local newspaper article two days ago, which mentioned a drunk man in a truck, who hit a car occupied by a young woman and a little girl.
The little girl died right away, and the mother was left in a critical state. The family had to decide whether to pull the plug on the life-sustaining machine, because the young woman would not be able to recover from the coma.
Was this the family of the little boy?
Two days after this encounter with the little boy, I read in the newspaper that the young woman had passed away.
I couldn’t stop myself as I bought a bunch of white roses and I went to the funeral home where the body of the young woman was lain for her friends and family to see and make last wishes before her burial.
She was there, in her coffin, holding a beautiful white rose in her hand with the photo of the little boy and the doll placed over her chest.
I left the place, teary-eyed, feeling that my life had been changed forever…. The love that the little boy had for his mother and his sister is still, to this day, hard to imagine.
And in a fraction of a second, a drunk driver had taken all this away from him.
15 August 08 at 11:29 pm (Joke, Southern, Very Funny)
1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.
2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Georgia.
3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Georgia, plus a couple no one’s seen before.
4. If it grows, it’ll stick ya. If it crawls, it’ll bite cha.
5. ‘Onced’ and ‘Twiced’ are words.
6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy!
7. ‘Jaw-P?’ means ‘Did ya’ll go to the bathroom?’
8. People actually grow and eat okra.
9. ‘Fixinto’ is one word.
10. There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’ There is only dinner and then there is supper.
11. Iced tea (made with sugar!!) is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.
12. Backwards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’
13. The word ‘jeet’ is actually a phrase meaning ‘Did you eat?.’
14. You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is, you work until you’re done or it’s too dark to see.
15. You don’t PUSH buttons, you MASH ‘EM.
16. ‘No. Jew?’ is a common response to the question ‘Did you bring any cokes?’
17. You measure distance in minutes.
18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.
19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.
20. You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.
21. You carry jumper cables in your car — for your OWN car.
22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Picante, Tabasco and Ketchup.
23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and high school football.
24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.
25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit ‘a bit warm.’
26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.
27. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-Martin’ or ‘off to Wally World.’
28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good stew weather. (or chili).
29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.
30. We don’t need no dang driver’s ed. If our mama says we can drive, we can drive.
31. You understand these jokes and forward them to your Georgia friends and those who just wish they were from Georgia.
Have a blessed day!
Thanks to Shinozi!!
15 August 08 at 9:51 am (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Incredibly Funny)
Shamelessly lifted from one of my fora, where I just cracked up reading it.
Resume Cover Letters: These were taken from real Resumes and Cover Letters, and were printed in Fortune Magazine:
1. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms.”
2. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
3. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
4. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
5. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
6. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
7. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
8. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
9. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
10. “Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
11. “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
12. “I am loyal to my employer at all costs… Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
13. “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
14. “I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
15. “Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
16. “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”
17. “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
18. “Marital status: often. Children: various.”
19. “The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
20. “Finished eighth in class of ten.”
21. “References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
13 August 08 at 5:31 pm (Incredibly Funny, Joke)
..To all those who have ever interrupted someone….this is 4 u…
Little Johnny watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.
Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother.
‘Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane…’
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, ‘Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.’
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, ‘I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.’
Mommy fainted!
I use emailStripper, available for free from http://www.papercut.biz/emailStripper.htm to clean up emails that have come through several forwarding processes! It’s great!
12 August 08 at 6:50 pm (Incredibly Funny)
A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky parted above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lordsaid, ‘Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.’
The biker pulled over and said, ‘Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.’
The Lord said, ‘Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.’
The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, ‘Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she’s thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.’
The Lord replied, ‘You want two lanes or four on that bridge?
Thanks to Shinozi!!
10 August 08 at 10:31 am (Obnoxious Kids, Very Funny)
A mother was driving a little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy,’ the little girl asked, ‘how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl said, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother said, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asked, ‘Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!’ The exasperated mother walked away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl said to her friend.
‘Well,’ said the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl said to her mother, ‘I know how old you are, you are 32.’
The mother was surprised and asked, ‘How did you find that out?’
‘I also know that you weigh 140 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now. ‘How in heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl said triumphantly,’I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asked. ‘Why?’
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
‘Because you got an F in sex.’
8 August 08 at 6:03 pm (Joke, Very Funny)
A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, “Let’s talk. I’ve heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, “What would you like to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the stranger. “How about nuclear power?” and he smiles.
“Okay,” she said. “That could be an interesting topic.”
But let me ask you a question first. “A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass, am I right?” asked the young girl.
“Correct, spot on,” said the stranger.
The little girl continued, “Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don’t know s||t?”
Thanks to Lawrence at MPI Direct!
7 August 08 at 6:41 pm (Incredibly Funny, Politics, TRUE!!)
From: Investor’s Business Daily
Friday June 20, 7:40 pm ET
Ibd
No one likes war. War is a horrific affair, bloody and expensive. Sending our men and women into battle to perhaps die or be maimed is an unconscionable thought.
Yet some wars need to be waged, and someone needs to lead. The citizenry and Congress are often ambivalent or largely opposed to any given war. It’s up to our leader to convince them. That’s why we call the leader “Commander in Chief.”George W.’s war was no different. There was lots of resistance to it. Many in Congress were vehemently against the idea. The Commander in Chief had to lobby for legislative approval.
Along with supporters, George W. used the force of his convictions, the power of his title and every ounce of moral suasion he could muster to rally support. He had to assure Congress and the public that the war was morally justified, winnable and affordable. Congress eventually came around and voted overwhelmingly to wage war.
George W. then lobbied foreign governments for support. But in the end, only one European nation helped us. The rest of the world sat on its hands and watched.
After a few quick victories, things started to go bad. There were many dark days when all the news was discouraging. Casualties began to mount. It became obvious that our forces were too small. Congress began to drag its feet about funding the effort.
Many who had voted to support the war just a few years earlier were beginning to speak against it and accuse the Commander in Chief of misleading them. Many critics began to call him incompetent, an idiot and even a liar. Journalists joined the negative chorus with a vengeance.
As the war entered its fourth year, the public began to grow weary of the conflict and the casualties. George W.’s popularity plummeted. Yet through it all, he stood firm, supporting the troops and endorsing the struggle.
Without his unwavering support, the war would have surely ended, then and there, in overwhelming and total defeat.
At this darkest of times, he began to make some changes. More troops were added and trained. Some advisers were shuffled, and new generals installed.
Then, unexpectedly and gradually, things began to improve. Now it was the enemy that appeared to be growing weary of the lengthy conflict and losing support. Victories began to come, and hope returned.
Many critics in Congress and the press said the improvements were just George W.’s good luck. The progress, they said, would be temporary. He knew, however, that in warfare good fortune counts.
Then, in the unlikeliest of circumstances and perhaps the most historic example of military luck, the enemy blundered and was resoundingly defeated. After six long years of war, the Commander in Chief basked in a most hard-fought victory.
So on that historic day, Oct. 19, 1781, in a place called Yorktown, a satisfied George Washington sat upon his beautiful white horse and accepted the surrender of Lord Cornwallis, effectively ending the Revolutionary War.
= = =
WHAT!! You were thinking of someone else???
|
