Golf

19 July 08 at 10:43 pm (Very Funny)

Ed and Harriet met while on a cruise, and Ed fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue their relationship. ‘It’s only fair to warn you, I’m a total golf nut,’ Ed said to his lady friend. ‘I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if  that’s a problem, you’d better say so now.

Harriet responded, ‘If we’re being honest with each other, here goes… I’m a hooker.’ ‘I see,’ Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then…………
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he added, ‘You know, it’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight

Thanks to Shinozi!

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On Becoming Illegal.

19 July 08 at 10:41 pm (Too True to be Funny, Very Funny)

FORMS ARE GOING FAST- SIGN UP TODAY!

Becoming Illegal (Actual letter from an Iowa resident and sent to his senator)

The Honorable Tom Harkin
731 Hart Senate Office Building
Phone (202) 224 3254

Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Harkin,

As a native Iowan and excellent customer of the Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your assistance. I have contacted the Department of Homeland Security in an effort to determine the process for becoming an illegal alien and they referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stems from the bill which was recently passed by the Senate and for which you voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the United States for five years, all I need to do to become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the process started before everyone figures it out.

Simply put, those of us who have been here legally have had to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an excellent result for me and my family be cause we paid heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using the local emergency room as my primary health care provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be that my daughter would receive preferential treatment relative to her law school applications, as well as ‘in-state’ tuition rates for many colleges throughout the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would relieve me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This is very important to me given that I still have college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and copies of the necessary forms, I would be most appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,
Donald Ruppert
Burlington , IA

Get your Forms (NOW)!! Call your Internal Revenue Service 1-800-289-1040.

Please pass this on to your friends so they can save on this great offer.

Thanks to Shinozi!!

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PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY

19 July 08 at 6:23 pm (Unbelievable!, Very Funny)

FOR THOSE WHO  LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF  AMBIGUITY..

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS  AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY  THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO  TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,  FLOOR…..

3. ATHEISM IS A  NON-PROPHET  ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN  EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND  APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON  SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS  LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A  BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, ‘WHERE’S THE SELF-HELP  SECTION?’ SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE  PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE  WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL  QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF  PERSON SWEARS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH  SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH  MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL  HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE  SITUATION?

10. IS THERE  ANOTHER WORD FOR  SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO  FOREST RANGERS GO TO ‘GET AWAY FROM IT  ALL?’

12. WHAT DO YOU DO  WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED  PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY  FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS  WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY  WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A  WALK?

15 WHY DO THEY LOCK  GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN  THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE  DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR  NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS  EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF  THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO  REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO  THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK  MACHINES?

20.  HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST  THING BEFORE SLICED  BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING  ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER  PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE  MERMAID WEAR AN  ALGEBRA?

24. HOW IS IT  POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL  WAR?

25. IF ONE  SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN  TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH  PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE  HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO  FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU  DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED ‘HEMORRHOIDS’ INSTEAD OF ‘ASSTEROIDS’?

30. WHY IS IT  CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT  THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN  EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR  CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

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