The Funnies Etc

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister wanted to ask the old farmer about it. So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq/Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America ’s supply of convenience store managers and candidates for President of the United States . . .

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. ………

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t ever use my cell phone at a gas station nor while it’s charging, no matter who I need to call or is calling me at that moment.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed!

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

And don’t forget the lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie snacks sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’< on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t tell at least 100,000 people about this in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….

Oh, by the way……

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their computer screens with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Thanks to joanal33!!

Possums sleep in the middle of the road, with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows – it sticks; ….  if it crawls – it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’  There is only dinner and then there  is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.  We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’

You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is.  You work until you’re done, or it’s too dark to see.

You don’ t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.

‘Fix’ is a verb.  Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’ ‘Fixinto’ is one word.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house, and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices:  salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is ‘a little warm.’

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’, or off to ‘Wally World.’

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, Regardless of brand or flavor.  Example:  ‘What kinda coke you want?’

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Georgia (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can’t be a Georgian; it takes talent.  You might say it’s an art form, or a gift from God!

Thanks to dj46 who sent these lovely little thoughts!