Pirate Walks into a Bar

30 May 08 at 5:48 pm (Very Funny)

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

Bartender, “What about the wooden leg? You didn”t have that before.”

Pirate, “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

Bartender, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

Pirate, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, Really.”

Bartender “What about that eye patch?”

Pirate, “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You”re kidding,” said the bartender, “You lost an eye just from bird shit.”

Pirate, “It was my first day with the hook.”

Thanks to DTG!!

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Little Stories by Little Kids Writing About the Ocean

30 May 08 at 5:42 pm (Funny, Kids)

Enjoy!

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne, age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

13)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

14)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

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Lessons in Life by Tom Teller

30 May 08 at 5:13 pm (NOT Funny!, Of Interest, WOW!!)

Lessons in Life by Tom Teller, B.A. London,
Ontario , Canada
‘To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested
column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolls over yearly.’

(Mr. Teller [or someone else] has added 5 more, so that there are now have 50 Lessons in Life listed here.)

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did, or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms and Proverbs. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny
matters compared to what lies within us.

Tom Telfer, B.A., London , Ontario , Canada

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