Pirate Walks into a Bar

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

Bartender, “What about the wooden leg? You didn”t have that before.”

Pirate, “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”

Bartender, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

Pirate, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, Really.”

Bartender “What about that eye patch?”

Pirate, “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”

“You”re kidding,” said the bartender, “You lost an eye just from bird shit.”

Pirate, “It was my first day with the hook.”

Thanks to DTG!!

Little Stories by Little Kids Writing About the Ocean

Enjoy!

1) – This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly, age 6)

2) – Oysters’ balls are called pearls. (Jerry, age 6)

3) – If you are surrounded by ocean you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne, age 7)

4) – Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)

5) – A dolphin breaths through an asshole on the top of its head. (Billy, age 8)

6) – My uncle goes out in his boat with 2 other men and a woman and pots and comes back with crabs. (Millie, age 6)

7) – When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes when the wind didn’t blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would have been better off eating beans. (William, age 7)

8) – Mermaids live in the ocean. I like mermaids. They are beautiful and I like their shiny tails, but how on earth do mermaids get pregnant? Like, really? (Helen, age 6)

9) – I’m not going to write about the ocean. My baby brother is always crying, my Dad keeps yelling at my Mom, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can’t think what to write. (Amy, age 6)

10) – Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher, age 7)

11) – When you go swimming in the ocean, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small. (Kevin, age 6)

12) – On vacation my Mom went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won’t do it again because water fired right up her big fat ass. (Julie, age 7)

13)-The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)

14)-My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)

Lessons in Life by Tom Teller

Lessons in Life by Tom Teller, B.A. London,
Ontario , Canada
‘To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested
column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolls over yearly.’

(Mr. Teller [or someone else] has added 5 more, so that there are now have 50 Lessons in Life listed here.)

1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.

8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.

12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did, or didn’t do.

35. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

38. Read the Psalms and Proverbs. They cover every human emotion.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.

41. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift. What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny
matters compared to what lies within us.

Tom Telfer, B.A., London , Ontario , Canada

Jeff Foxworthy on Educators -

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.

YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, “Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.

YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there’s no name you can come up with that doesn’t bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.

YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it’s a full moon or if it going to rain, snow, hail….anything!!! Without ever looking outside.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe, “shallow gene pool” should have its own box on a report card.

YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, “Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.”

YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.

YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.

YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.

YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the “lounge.”

YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the UHAUL boxes should they decide to move out of district.

YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.

YOU might be a school employee if you can’t imagine how ACLU could think that covering your students’ chairs with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.

YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child’s parent instantly answers this question, “Why is this kid like this?”

YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.

YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons…and desks and chairs for that matter!

YOU might be a school employee if the words “I have college debt for this?” has ever come out of your mouth.

YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

Thanks to WesJ!!

Subject = R

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,not from the original manuscript. So,the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, ‘We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.’

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot . .

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing. ‘We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!’

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, ‘What’s wrong,father?’

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word was…

‘CELEBRATE!!!’ “

Thanks to Riverdotr!

Memorial Day

“YOU COULD HAVE HEARD A PIN DROP….

“When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush. He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsnami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?” A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck.. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatt ing away in English as the sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, “…whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.” He then asked, “Why is it that we alway s have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?” Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE…

A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.” The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”

“Impossible! Americans always have to show your passports upon arrival in France!” The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly stated, “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in ‘44 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.”

You could have heard a pin drop.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What Is A Veteran?

A “Veteran” — whether active duty, discharged, retired, or reserve — is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to:

“The United States of America,” for an amount of “up to, and including his life.”

That is honor, and there are way too many people in this country today, who no longer understand that fact.

Many, many thanks to Flaglady for these reminders!!

For Those Who Love the Philosophy of Ambiguity

1. Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor…..

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘where’s the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all?’

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

Thanks to SherylB!!

A Short Love Story

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly….. He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, ‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied. ‘Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow! That’s a great idea!’ he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. ‘Get your own damn blanket.’ After a moment of silence, he farted.

The End

Thanks to SherylB!!

Kentucky Ten Commandments

Some people in Kentucky have trouble with all those “shalls” and “shall nots” in the Ten Commandments. Folks just aren’t used to talking in those terms. So, some folks in Southeastern Kentucky got together and translated the “King James” into “HarlanCounty” language… No joke, read on… The Hillbilly’s Ten Commandments (posted on the wall at Trails Church in Harlan , Ky.)

(1) Just one God
(2) Honor yer Ma &Pa
(3) No tellin’ tales or gossipin’
(4) Git yourself to Sunday meetin’
(5) Put nothin’ before God
(6) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal
(7) No killin’
(8) Watch yer mouth
(9) Don’t take what ain’t yers
(10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff

Now that’s kinda plain an’ simple, don’t ya think? Y’all have a nice day.

Thanks to Riverdotr!

Life of a Greek Child

1. You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral…or their entire life!

2. You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced “sangwich or samich.”

3. Your family dog understood Greek. (mine actually does)

4. Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your Yia Yia and Papou (grandparents) and extended family.

5. You’ve experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout. (Easter and Names Days)

6. You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

7. You thought killing the lamb each year and having feta, tsatsiki and olives on your dinner table was absolutely normal.

8. You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

9. You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

10. You thought everyone’s last name ended in “is” or “ous”

11. You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

12. Your mom’s main hobby is cleaning.

13. You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

14. You never knew what to expect when you opened the margarine, after all you thought washing out and reusing margarine containers was normal.

15. You thought Greek Orthodox was the only religion in the world.

16. You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

17. Your grandmother never threw anything away, you thought seeing washed plastic bags hanging on the clothes line was normal.

18. You learned to play backgammon before you went to school.

19. You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

20. You have at least six male relatives named Nick, John, Peter or Kosta.

21. You have relatives who aren’t really your relatives.

22. You drank wine before you were a teenager.

23. You grew up in a house with a yard that didn’t have one patch of dirt that didn’t have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

24. You thought that talking loud was normal. We ALL still do!

25. You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives. (And we loved the money part but hated the cheek part, boy that hurt)

26. Your mother is overly protective of the males in the family no matter what their age.

27. There was an icon in every room of the house, including the bathroom.

Thanks to Kyriaki – who is natural-born Greek!!

The Republican Fisherman

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.’

She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’

‘I am,’ replied the man. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘ every thing you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’

The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’

‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’

‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.’

Thanks to Shinozi!

Menu Pricing

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.

Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…

+ Tourist: $5

+ Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+ Fried Explorer: $15.00

+ Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?”

The waiter replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one of those things? They’re so full of s–t, it takes all morning!”

Thanks to No1MRRA!

The Face of God?

It was one of the hottest days of the dry season. We had not seen rain in almost a month. The crops were dying. Cows had stopped giving milk. The creeks and streams were long gone back into the earth. It was a dry season that would bankrupt several farmers before it was through.

Every day, my husband and his brothers would go about the arduous process of trying to get water to the fields. Lately this process had involved taking a truck to the local water rendering plant and filling it up with water. But severe rationing had cut everyone off. If we didn’t see some rain soon… we would lose everything. It was on this day that I learned the true lesson of sharing and witnessed the only miracle I have seen with my own eyes. I was in the kitchen making lunch for my husband and his brothers when I saw my six-year-old son, Billy, walking toward the woods. He wasn’t walking with the usual carefree abandon of a youth but with a serious purpose. I could only see his back. He was obviously walking with a great effort … trying to be as still as possible. Minutes after he disappeared into the woods, he came running out again, toward the house. I went back to making sandwiches; thinking that whatever task he had been doing was completed. Moments later, however, he was once again walking in that slow purposeful stride toward the woods. This activity went on for an hour: walking carefully to the woods, running back to the house.

Finally I couldn’t take it any longer and I crept out of the house and followed him on his journey (being very careful not to be seen … as he was obviously doing important work and didn’t need his Mommy checking up on him). He was cupping both hands in front of him as he walked, being very careful not to spill the water he held in them … maybe two or three tablespoons were held in his tiny hands. I sneaked close as he went into the woods. Branches and thorns slapped his little face, but he did not try to avoid them. He had a much higher purpose. As I leaned in to spy on him, I saw the most amazing sight.

Several large deer loomed in front of him. Billy walked right up to them. I almost screamed for him to get away. A huge buck with elaborate antlers was dangerously close. But the buck did not threaten him…he didn’t even move as Billy knelt down. And I saw a tiny fawn lying on the ground; obviously suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion, lift its head with great effort to lap up the water cupped in my beautiful boy’s hand. When the water was gone, Billy jumped up to run back to the house and I hid behind a tree.

I followed him back to the house to a spigot to which we had shut off the water. Billy opened it all the way up and a small trickle began to creep out. He knelt there, letting the drip, drip slowly fill up his makeshift “cup,” as the sun beat down on his little back. And it came clear to me: The trouble he had gotten into for playing with the hose the week before. The lecture he had received about the importance of not wasting water. The reason he didn’t ask me to help him. It took almost twenty minutes for the drops to fill his hands. When he stood up and began the trek back, I was there in front of him.

His little eyes just filled with tears. “I’m not wasting,” was all he said. As he began his walk, I joined him…with a small pot of water from the kitchen. I let him tend to the fawn. I stayed away. It was his job. I stood on the edge of the woods watching the most beautiful heart I have ever known working so hard to save another life. As the tears that rolled down my face began to hit the ground, other drops… and more drops… and more suddenly joined them. I looked up at the sky. It was as if God, himself, was weeping with pride.

Some will probably say that this was all just a huge coincidence. Those miracles don’t really exist. That it was bound to rain sometime. And I can’t argue with that… I’m not going to try. All I can say is that the rain that came that day saved our farm… just like the actions of one little boy saved another.

I don’t know if anyone will read this … but I had to send it out. To honor the memory of my beautiful Billy, who was taken from me much too soon … But not before showing me the true face of God, in a little, sunburned body.

Thanks to Shinozi!

Red Marbles

I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean,hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas.

I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn’t help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me.

‘Hello Barry, how are you today?’

‘H’lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus’ admirin’ them peas. They sure look good.’

‘They are good, Barry. How’s your Ma?’

‘Fine. Gittin’ stronger alla’ time.’

‘Good . Anything I can help you with?’

‘No, Sir. Jus’ admirin’ them peas.’

‘Would you like to take some home?’ asked Mr. Miller.

‘No, Sir. Got nuthin’ to pay for ‘em with.’

‘Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?’

‘All I got’s my prize marble here.’

‘Is that right? Let me see it,’ said Miller.

‘Here ’tis. She’s a dandy.’

‘I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?’ the store owner asked.

‘Not zackley but almost…’

‘Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me look at that red marble’. Mr. Miller told the boy.

‘Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller.’

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, ‘There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor cir cumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas , apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn’t like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, when they come on their next trip to the store.’

I left the store smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado, but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering for marbles.

Several years went by, each more rapid than the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died.

They were having his visitation that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them. Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could.

Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts … all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband’s casket. Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket.

Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and reminded her of the story from those many years ago and what she had told me about her husband’s bartering for marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket.

‘Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim ‘traded’ them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size … they came to pay their debt.’

‘We’ve never had a great deal of the wealth of this world,’ she confided, ‘but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho.’ With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

The Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles ~ A fresh pot of coffee you didn’t make yourself ~ An unexpected phone call from an old friend ~ Green stoplights on your way to work ~ The fastest line at the grocery store ~ A good sing-along song on the radio ~ Your keys found right where you REMEMBER you left them.

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU GATHER, BUT WHAT YOU SCATTER THAT TELLS WHAT KIND OF LIFE YOU HAVE LIVED

Thanks to VincentH!

Lutran Airlines –

{With the merger of Northwest and Delta, this looks pretty good!}

WE PLEASED TO ANNOUNCE LUTHERAN AIRLINES IS NOW OPERATING IN MINNYSOTA!
ALSO SERVING VISCONSIN, NORDERN MITCHIGEN, NORT & SOUT DAKOTA
WE LOOKING FARWARD TO SEATTLE OPERATIONS STARTING SOON! YAH!!

If you are travelin soon, consider Lutran Air, the no-frills airline.

You’re all in da same boat on Lutran Air, here flyin is a upliftin experience. Dair is no first class on any Lutran Air flight.

Meals are potluck. Rows 1 tru 6, bring rolls; 7 tru 15, bring a salad;16 tru 21, a hot dish, and 22-30, a dessert.

Basses and tenors please sit in da rear of da aircraft.

Everyone is responsible for his or her own baggage.

All fares are by free will offering, and da plane will not land til da budget is met.

Pay attention to your flight attendant, who vill acquaint you wit da safety system aboard dis Lutran Air. Okay den, listen up; I’m only gonna say dis vonce:

In da event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, I am frankly gonna be real surprised and so vill Captain Olson, because ve fly right around two tousand feet, so loss of cabin pressure would probably mean da Second Coming or someting of dat nature, and I wouldn’t bodder with doze liddle masks on da rubber tubes–you’re gonna have bigger tings to worry about den dat. Just stuff doze back up in dair liddle holes. Probably da masks fell out because of turbulence which, to be honest
wit you, we’re gonna have quite a bit of at two tousand feet, sorta like driving across a plowed field, but after a while you get used to it.

In da event of a water landing, I’d say forget it. Start saying da Lord’s Prayer and just hope you get to da part about forgive us our sins as we forgive dose who sin against us, which some people say
‘trespass against us,’ which isn’t right, but what can yo u do?

Da use of cell phones on da plane is strictly forbidden, not because day may confuse da plane’s avigation system, which is by da pants all da way. No, it’s because cell phones are a pain in da wazoo, and if God had meant you to use a cell phone, He wudda put your mout on da side of your head. We start lunch right about noon and it’s buffet style wit da coffeepot up front.

Den we’ll have da hymn sing; hymnals are in da seat pockets in front of you. Don’t take yours wit you when you go or I am gonna be real upset and I am not kiddin!

Right now I’ll say Grace:
Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest
And let deze gifts to us be blessed.
Fader, Son, and Holy Ghost,
May we land in Dulut or pretty close.

Cuckoo!

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married….

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humor.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’ Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos =MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT’… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’

When I asked him why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

Thanks to Lynwood!!

A Wee Old Man‏

A wee old man went into a chemist to buy Viagra.

“Can I have 6 tablets,” he asked, “and can you cut them into quarters for me?”

“I can cut them into quarters sir,” said the chemist, “but a quarter won’t give you a full erection.”

“I’m 96,” said the old man, ‘and I don’t have any use for an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don’t piss on my slippers!”

Thanks to Trainlady!

The Difference

From Royboy comes another goodie!!

The Difference

Buy American – NOT Chinese!

I think this is a great idea………….let’s start now and keep it up forever, not just 1 month!

Are we Americans as dumb as we appear or is it that we just do not think?

While the Chinese, knowingly and intentionally, export inferior products, dangerous toys and goods to be sold in American markets, the media wrings its hands and criticizes the Bush Administration for perceived errors. Yet 70% of Americans believe that the trading privileges afforded to the Chinese should be suspended. Well, duh..why do you need the government to suspend trading privileges? DO IT YOURSELF!!

Simply look on the bottom of every product you buy, and if it says ‘Made in China’ or ‘PRC’ (and that now includes Hong Kong) simply choose another product or none at all. You will be amazed at how dependent you are on Chinese products, however you will be equally amazed at what you can do without.

Who needs plastic eggs to celebrate Easter? If you must have eggs, use real ones and benefit some American farmer.

Easter is just one example – do without cheap Chinese fireworks for July 4th is another example – the point is – do not wait for the government to act. Just go ahead and assume control on your own.

If 200 million Americans refuse to buy just $20 each of Chinese goods, that’s a billion dollar trade imbalance resolved in our favor…fast!! The downside? Some American businesses will feel a temporary pinch from having foreign stockpiles of inventory. ** Downside ??

The solution ?

Let’s give them fair warning and send our own message. We will not implement this UNTIL June 4, and we will only continue it until July 4. That is only one month of trading losses, but it will hit the Chinese for 1/12th of the total, or 8%, of their American exports. Then they will at least have to ask themselves if the benefits of their arrogance and lawlessness were worth it.

Remember, June 4 to July 4, and if it turns out interesting we can arrange to do it to a few other nations that export moral turpitude along with their goods. For goodness sakes, WWII was sixty two years ago, its time they started to pull their own loads. They know how to start wars, let them figure out how to stop them. Can you remember how great it was back in the seventies before we started to export the American dream?

Tell everybody you know about this.

Show them we are Americans – and NOBODY can take us for granted !

If we can’t live without cheap Chinese goods for one month out of our lives, WE DESERVE WHAT WE GET!

Pass it on America !!!

Thanks to Royboy!

Actually quite creepy

This is creepy!

Think of a letter between A and W.

Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Keep going . . .

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Don’t stop . . .

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Think of an animal that begins with that letter.

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Repeat it out loud as you scroll down.

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Think of either a man’s/woman’s name that begins with the last letter in the animals name.

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Almost there . . .

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Now count out the letters in that name on the fingers of the hand you are not using to scroll down.

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Take the hand you FIRST counted with and hold it out in front of you at face level.

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Look at your palm very closely and notice the lines in your hand.

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Do the lines take the form of the first letter in the persons name?!

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Of course not . . .

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Now TAKE THAT HAND AND smack the shit out of yourself, get a life, and quit playing stupid e-mail games!

Smile & have a great day!

Thanks to riverdaughter!!

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