Imagine That – Puns for the Day
28 April 08 at 8:44 pm (PUNS! You've Been Warned!)
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulting in a Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Tain’t yours, and ’tain’t mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was described as a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
Dog Haiku
28 April 08 at 12:03 am (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Incredibly Funny, Uncategorized)
I love my master;
Thus I perfume myself with
This long-rotten squirrel.
I lie belly-up
In the sunshine, happier than
You ever will be.
Today I sniffed
Many dog behinds-I celebrate
By kissing your face.
I sound the alarm!
Paper boy-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I sound the alarm!
Garbage man-come to kill us all-
Look! Look! Look! Look! Look!
I lift my leg and
Whiz on each bush. Hello, Spot,
Sniff this and weep.
How do I love thee?
The ways are numberless as
My hairs on the rug.
My human is home!
I am so ecstatic I have
Made a puddle.
I Hate my choke chain-
Look, world, they strangle me! Ack
Ack Ack Ack Ack Ack!
Sleeping here, my chin
On your foot – no greater bliss – well,
Maybe catching rats.
Look in my eyes and
Deny it. No human could
Love you as much I do.
The cat is not all
Bad – she fills the litter box
With Tootsie Rolls.
Dig under fence – why?
Because it’s there. Because it’s
There. Because it’s there.
I am your best friend,
Now, always, and especially
When you are eating.
My owners’ mood is
Romantic-I lie near their
Feet. I fart a big one.
This is from a friend in Holland :
27 April 08 at 11:49 pm (BWAHAHAHAHAHA)
“We in Holland cannot figure out why you are even bothering to hold an election.
On one side, you have a bitch who is a lawyer, married to a lawyer, and a lawyer who is married to a bitch who is a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a true war hero married to a woman with a huge chest who owns a beer distributorship.
Is there a contest here? “
You Ain’t Gonna Like Losing
27 April 08 at 11:19 pm (NOT Funny!, TRUE!!)
President Bush did make a bad mistake in the war on terrorism.
But the BIG mistake was not his decision to go to war in Iraq.
Bush’s BIG mistake came in his belief that this country is the same one his father fought for in WWII. It is not.
Back then; they had just come out of a vicious depression.
The country was steeled by the hardship of that depression, but they still believed fervently in this country.
They knew that the people had elected their leaders, so it was the people’s duty to back those leaders.
Therefore, when the war broke out the people came together, rallied behind, and stuck with their leaders, whether they had voted for them or not or whether the war was going badly or not.
And war was just as distasteful and the anguish just as great then as it is today.
Often there were more casualties in one day in WWII than we have had in the entire Iraq war.
But that did not matter. The people stuck with the President because it was their patriotic duty.
Americans put aside their differences in WWII and worked together to win that war.
Everyone from every strata of society, from young to old pitched in.
Small children pulled little wagons around to gather scrap metal for the war effort.
Grade school students saved their pennies to buy stamps for war bonds to help the effort.
Men who were too old or medically 4F lied about their age or condition trying their best to join the military.
Women doubled their work to keep things going at home.
Harsh rationing of everything from gasoline to soap, to butter was imposed; yet there was very little complaining.
You never heard prominent people on the radio belittling the President.
Interestingly enough in those days there were no fat cat actors and entertainers who ran off to visit and fawn over dictators of hostile countries and complain to them about our President.
Instead, they made upbeat films and entertained our troops to help the troops’ morale. And a bunch even enlisted.
And imagine this: Teachers in schools actually started the day off with a Pledge of Allegiance, and with prayers for our country and our troops!
Back then; no newspaper would have dared point out certain weak spots in our cities where bombs could be set off to cause the maximum damage.
No newspaper would have dared complain about what we were doing to catch spies.
A newspaper would have been laughed out of existence if it had complained that German or Japanese soldiers were being ‘tortured’ by being forced to wear women’s underwear, or subjected to interrogation by a woman, or being scared by a dog or did not have air conditioning.
There were a lot of things different back then.
We were not subjected to a constant bombardment of pornography, perversion and promiscuity in movies or on radio.
We did not have legions of crackheads, dope pushers and armed gangs roaming our streets.
No, President Bush did not make a mistake in his handling of terrorism.
fHe made the mistake of believing that we still had the courage and fortitude of our fathers.
He believed that this was still the country that our fathers fought so dearly to preserve.
It is not the same country.
It is now a cross between Sodom and Gomorra and the Land of Oz.
We did unite for a short while after 911, but our attitude changed when we found out that defending our country would require some sacrifices.
We are in great danger.
The terrorists are fanatic Muslims.
They believe that it is okay, even their duty, to kill anyone who will not convert to Islam.
It has been estimated that about one-third or over three hundred million Muslims are sympathetic to the terrorists cause.
Hitler and Tojo combined did not have nearly that many potential recruits.
So…we either win it – or lose it – and you ain’t gonna like losing.
America is not at war. The military is at war.
America is at the mall.
Clean Joke – Oldie But Goodie!
27 April 08 at 10:15 pm (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Incredibly Funny)
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but, here is one:
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, ‘Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, ‘Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?’
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, ‘It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.’
Thanks to DanL!!
Conversions -
27 April 08 at 10:01 pm (Priest Protestant Minister and Rabbi, Very Funny)
A priest, a pentecostal minister, and a rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they’re all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.”
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”
They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”
Thanks to Shinozi!!
Menopause
27 April 08 at 9:54 pm (Incredibly Funny, Too True to be Funny)
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked.
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see thebaby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked,
‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM… O.K.?!!!!’
Thanks to DanL!!
Some Interesting Mathematics -
27 April 08 at 8:13 pm (Shorties, Very Funny)
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
______________________________
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
______________________________
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn’t need.
______________________________
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
______________________________
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
______________________________
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
______________________________
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman e xpecting that she won’t change, and she does.
______________________________
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
______________________________
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, “You’re next.” They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT
Women Are Better Equipped for Most Anything
27 April 08 at 7:19 pm (Quotes and Quips, Shorties, Very Funny)
WOMAN”S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee. Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box. Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week. Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl. And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Keep reading-they get better!
= = = = =
WOMEN”S REVENGE
“Cash, check, or charge?” I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
“So, do you always carry your TV remote?” I asked.
“No,” she replied, “but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.”
= = = = =
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN”S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I’m not going to understand women. I’ll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
= = = = =
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Joe and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor.
“It is essential,” he said, “that husbands and wives know each other’s likes and dislikes.” He addressed the man, “Can you name your wife’s favorite flower?”
Tom leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “It’s Pillsbury, isn’t it?”
= = = = =
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, “Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?”
He answers, “You see, it’s like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers, “cause it’s sooooooooooo much cheaper.” So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she.”
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
= = = = =
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”
Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”
= = = = =
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day; 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.
The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men.”
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”
= = = = =
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
“The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”
= = = = =
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, “You should do it because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”
The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says “Hebrews”
= = = = =
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence and lose, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t wakened him
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
= = = = =
God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.
Heh heh heh heh heh!!
Thanks to Lawrence from MPI Direct!
Nourishment -
27 April 08 at 6:05 pm (Too True to be Funny)
A Church member wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained
that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday.
“I’ve gone for 30 years now,” he wrote, “and in that time I have
heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can’t
remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors
heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can’t
remember a single one of them. So, I think I’m wasting my time and the pastors
are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all.”This started a real controversy in the “Letters to the Editor” column, much
to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this
clincher:
to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this
clincher:
“I’ve been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some
32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a
single one of those meals. But I do know this.. They all nourished me and
gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me
these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone
to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!”
When you are DOWN to nothing…. God is UP to something!
Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible!
Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!
Change -
21 April 08 at 1:04 am (Change, Incredibly Funny, Politics, Rant and Rave, Shorties)
The buzzword of this election is “CHANGE.” Candidates toss it around without
saying what they want to change to. Just that we need CHANGE!
This brings to mind the following illustration.
Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who
inspected his Marines and told the “Gunny” that they smelled bad. The lieutenant
suggested that they change their underwear.
The “Gunny” responded, “Aye, aye, sir. I’ll see to it immediately. ”
He went into the tent and said,
“The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he
wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones,
McCarthy, you change with Witkowskie,
Brown, you change with Schultz ….”
“Change, now get on with it”
And the moral is:
A candidate may promise change in Washington …
but the stink remains!
Thanks to DanL!
You Are Not A Monk –
17 April 08 at 11:56 pm (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Shaggy Dog)
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.
As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down – again – in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.”
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.
He says, I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded. And have found what you had asked for.
There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass
And 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply, “Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door,
Where the head monk says, “The sound is behind that door.”
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, “May I have the key?”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.
Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, “This is the key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob.
And behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
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But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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DONT SWEAR AT ME! I’M STILL HUNTING DOWN THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME!
Some really “hokey” jokes…
16 April 08 at 10:04 pm (Uncategorized)
The Hokey Pokey
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.
Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey” died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for the family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in….. and then the trouble started.
= = = =
IDIOTS AT THE PHONE COMPANY:
Last week, our phones went dead and I had to contact the telephone coop. They promised to be out between 8:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
When I asked if they could give me a smaller time window, the customer service rep asked, “Would you like us to call you before we come?”
I replied that I didn’t see how they would be able to do that since our phones weren’t working. He also requested that we report future outages by email.
(Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?). Mine does… I’m on DSL, but that’s STILL IMMATERIAL!
= = = = =
LETTER FROM HOME
Dear Billy Bob,
I’m writing this letter REAL SLOW because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we used to when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the damned house numbers with them when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen them since. The weather ain’t too bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send to you? Well, your Uncle John said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with all the buttons on it, so we cut ‘em all off and put ‘em in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your daddy out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you’re an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your cousin Jake.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought ‘em off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three weeks.
Three of your old high school buddies drove off the Waxahachie bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swum to safety. Your other two friends were in the back of the pickup, but they drowned cuz they couldn’t get the dang tailgate down. Sorry you couldn’t be here for the funeral.
Well… no more news.
Your Aunt Martha
Thanks to Andy!!
60+
16 April 08 at 9:39 am (Shorties, Very Funny)
Q : Where can women over the age of 60 find younger, sexy men who are
interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting wrinkles every time you walk by a mirror?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60+ year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “Gosh, I remember these!
Thanks to Shinozi!!
Irish horses
15 April 08 at 9:57 pm (Incredibly Funny)
One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race.
Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.
Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.
Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.
Bye and bye, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.
True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.
Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag. He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.
Confronting the old pr iest he demanded, “Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings – all of it!”.
The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. “Son,” he said, “that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a blessing and last rites!”
Thanks to DanL for this little gem!!
New entry in Periodic Table
15 April 08 at 9:04 pm (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Politics, TRUE!!)
Research has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one nutron, 25 assistant nutrons, 88 deputy nutrons, and 198 assistant deputy nutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant nutrons and deputy nutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become nutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
Thanks to MerryG!!
Religious Nuts?
15 April 08 at 10:49 am (BWAHAHAHAHAHA, Sven and Ole)
From our friend RSB comes this gem:
Reverend Ole was the pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church, and Pastor Sven was the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.
I saw them yesterday standing by the road, pounding a sign into the ground that reads:
‘Da End iss Near!
Turn Yourself Aroundt Now!
Before It’s Too Late!’
As a car sped past them, the driver leaned out his window and yelled, ‘Leave us alone, you religious nuts!’
From the curve we heard screeching tires and a big splash.
Rev. Ole turns to Pastor Sven and asks, ‘Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say ‘Bridge Out’?’
To which the Ol’ Curmudgeon replied, “Amen, Amen, Amen;” and I replied “ROFLOL!!!”
Garfield Explains the Oil Shortage
13 April 08 at 2:06 pm (Uncategorized)
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country
~~~
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
~~~
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
~~~
We just didn’t know we were getting low
~~~
The reason for that is purely geographical.
~~~
OUR OIL is located in
~~~
Alaska
~~~
California
~~~
Coastal Florida
~~~
Coastal Louisiana
~~~
Kansas
~~~
Oklahoma
~~~
Pennsylvania
and
Texas
~~~
Our
DIPSTICKS
are located in
Washington, D.C.
Any Questions?
Thanks to Lawrence at MPIDirect!!
Southern
13 April 08 at 12:21 am (Southern)
Tennessee
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Tennessee and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
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Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. “Where’s Henry?” the others asked.
“Henry had a stroke of some kind. He’s a couple of miles back up the trail,” the successful hunter replied.
“You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?” they inquired.
“A tough call,” nodded the hunter. “But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!”
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Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying… “When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ..” When asked why, he replied he’d rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
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Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, “Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!”
Bubba replied, “Did you see who it was?”
The young man answered, “I couldn’t tell, but I got his license number.”
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Georgia
A Georgia State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-75. The trooper asked, “Got any I. D.?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
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North Carolina
A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it.
Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, “I have a flat tire.”
The passerby asked, “But what’s with the flowers?”
The man responded, “When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. Hey, it don’t make sense to me neither.”
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And this from South Carolina
“You can say what you want about the South, but I ain’t never heard of anyone retiring to the North!
