The Funnies Etc

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

And My Personal Favorite!!

WRINKLES:
Something other people have, similar to my character lines.

A young boy went up to his father and said, “Dad, the teacher gave us an assignment to determine the difference between potentially and realistically. Can you help me?”

The father thought for a moment, then answered, “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he’d sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.”

So the boy went to his mother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The mother replied, “Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!”

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?!”

The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”

“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”

The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”

The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars………….. but Realistically,……… We’re living with two sluts and a queer.

Thanks to Shinozi!!

Each year I am hired to go to Washington. DC. with the eighth grade class from Clinton. WI where I grew up, to videotape their trip. I greatly enjoy visiting our nation’s capitol, and each year I take some special memories back with me. This fall’s trip was especially memorable.

On the last night of our trip, we stopped at the Iwo Jima memorial. This memorial is the largest bronze statue in the world and depicts one of the most famous photographs in history –that of the six brave soldiers raising the United States flag at the top of a rocky hill on the island of Iwo Jima. Japan. during WW II.

Over one hundred students and chaperones piled off the buses and headed towards the memorial. I noticed a solitary figure at the base of the statue, and as I got closer he asked, ‘Where are you guys from?’

I told him that we were from Wisconsin. “Hey, I’m a cheese head,too! Come gather around,Cheese heads, and I will tell you a story.” James Bradley just happened to be in Washington, DC to speak at the Memorial the following day. He was there that night to say good night to his dad, who had passed away. He was just about to leave when he saw the buses pull up. I video taped him as he spoke to us, and received his permission to share what he said from my videotape. It is one thing to tour the incredible monuments filled with history in Washington, DC, but it is quite another to get the kind of insight we received that night.

When all had gathered around, he reverently began to speak. Here are his words that night…

“‘My name is James Bradley and I’m from Antigo, Wisconsin. My dad is on that statue, and I just wrote a book called Flags of Our Fathers which is #5 on the New York Times Best Seller list right now. It is the story of the six boys you see behind me. Six boys raised the flag on Iwo.”

“‘The first guy putting the pole in the ground is Harlon Block. Harlon was an all-state football player. He enlisted in the Marine Corps with all the senior members of his football team. They were off to play another type of game. A game called ‘War.’ But it didn’t turn out to be a game. Harlon, at the age of 21, d ied with his intestines in his hands. I don’t say that to gross you out, I say that because there are people who stand in front of this statue and talk about the glory of war.”

“You guys need to know that most of the boys in Iwo Jima were 17, 18, and 19 years old - and it was so hard that the ones who did make it home never even would talk to their families about it.”

He pointed to the statue, “You see this next guy? That’s Rene Gagnon from New Hampshire. If you took Rene’s helmet off at the moment this photo was taken and looked in the webbing of that helmet, you would find a photograph…..A photograph of his girlfriend. Rene put that in there for protection because he was scared. He was 18 years old. It was just boys who won the Battle of Iwo Jima. Boys. Not old men.”

“The next guy here, the third guy in this tableau, was Sergeant Mike Strank. Mike is my hero. He was the hero of all these guys. They called him the ‘old man’ because he was so old. He was already 24. When Mike would motivate his boys in training camp, he didn’t say, ‘Let’s go kill some Japanese’ or ‘Let’s die for ourcountry.’ He knew he was talking to little boys. Instead he would say, ‘You do what I say, and I’ll get you home to your mothers.’ “

“‘The last guy on this side of the statue is Ira Hayes, a Pima Indian from Arizona. Ira Hayes was one who walked off Iwo Jima. He went into the White House with my dad. President Truman told him, ‘You’re a hero.’ He told reporters, ‘How can I feel like a hero when 250 of my buddies hit the island with me and only 27 of us walked off alive?”

“So you take your class at school, 250 of you spending a year together having fun, doing everything together. Then all 250 of you hit the beach, but only 27 of your classmates walk off alive. That was Ira Hayes. He had images of horror in his mind. Ira Hayes carried the pain home with him and eventually died dead drunk, face down at the age of 32 (ten years after this picture was taken).”

“The next guy, going around the statue, is Franklin Sousley from Hilltop, Kentucky, a fun-lovin’ hillbilly boy. His best friend, who is now 70, told me, ‘Yeah, you know, we took two cows up on the porch of the Hilltop General Store Then we strung wire across the stairs so the cows couldn’t get down. Then we fed them Epsom salts. Those cows crapped all night.’ Yes, he was a fun-lovin’ hillbilly boy. Franklin died on Iwo Jima at the age of 19. When the telegram came to tell his mother that he was dead, it went to the Hilltop General Store. A barefoot boy ran that telegram up to his mother’s farm. The neighbors could hear her scream all night and into the morning. Those neighbors lived a quarter of a mile away.”

“‘The next guy, as we continue to go around the statue, is my dad, John Bradley from Antigo, Wisconsin. where I was raised. My dad lived until 1994, but he would never give interviews. When Walter Cronkite’s producers or the New York Times would call, we were trained as little kids to say ‘No, I’m sorry, sir, my dad’s not here. He is in Canada fishing. No, there is no phone there. No, we don’t know when he is coming back.’ My dad never fished or even went to Canada. Usually, he was sitting there right at the table eating his Campbell’s soup. But we had to tell the press that he was out fishing. He didn’t want to talk to the press. You see, like Ira Hayes, my dad didn’t see himself as a hero. Everyone thinks these guys are heroes, ’cause they are in a photo and on a monument. My dad knew better. He was a medic. John Bradley from Wisconsin was a caregiver. At Iwo Jima he probably held over 200 boys as they died. And when boys died in Iwo Jima. they writhed and screamed, without any medication or help with the pain.”

“When I was a little boy, my third grade teacher told me that my dad was a hero. When I went home and told my dad that, he looked at me and said, ‘I want you always to remember that the heroes of Iwo Jima are the guys who did not come back. Did NOT come back.’ “

“So that’s the story about six nice young boys. Three died on Iwo Jima. and three came back as national heroes Overall, 7,000 boys died on Iwo Jima in the worst battle in the history of the Marine Corps. My voice is giving out, so I will end here. Thank you for your time.”

Suddenly, the monument wasn’t just a big old piece of metal with a flag sticking out of the top. It came to life before our eyes with the heartfelt words of a son who did indeed have a father who was a hero. Maybe not a hero for the reasons most people would believe, but a hero nonetheless.

One other thing I learned while on tour with my 8th grade students in DC that was not mentioned by Bradley, is that if you look at the statue very closely and count the number of ‘hands’ raising the flag, there are 13. When the man who made the statue was asked why there were 13, he simply said the 13th hand was the hand of God.

We need to remember that God created this vast and glorious world for us to live in, freely, but also at great sacrifice. Let us never forget from the Revolutionary War to the current War on Terrorism and all the wars in-between that sacrifice was made for our freedom. Remember to pray for this great country of ours and also pray for those still in murderous unrest around the world. STOP and thank God for being alive and being free at someone else’s sacrifice.

God Bless You and God Bless The United States.

Semper Fi!!

Thanks to Shinozi!

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved playing women’s softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s soft-ball there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If

it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.” Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”

“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Barb - it’s me, Rose.”

“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

“Rose! Where are you?”

“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.

“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s Softball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Thanks to Shinozi!

Dedicated to “Boots” Troxall!!

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

This was so consistent, the minister wanted to ask the old farmer about it. So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”

“And what about the men?” the minister asked.

“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan , Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq/Afghanistan continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America ’s supply of convenience store managers and candidates for President of the United States . . .

And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell and AOL customer service reps, and then Motel 6 managers.

A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.

She said, “But we don’t know anything about each other.”

He said, “That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.

One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 10 meter board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.

After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.

She said, “That was incredible!”

He said, “I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.”

So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.

After seventy -five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel, and was hardly out of breath.

He said, “That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?”

“No,” she said, “I was a prostitute in Memphis but I worked both sides of the Mississippi.

Thanks to Lawrence at MPI Direct

“Among the items on the menu for world leaders who met in June in Rome to discuss the crisis in world hunger: pasta with a sauce of pumpkin and shrimp, veal rolls, pastry puffs with corn and mozzarella, cheese mousse, parmesan risotto, ragout of veal with legumes, and zucchini pie, washed down with fine Italian wines.”
[Washington Post-AP, 6-4-08]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. ………

Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

I can’t ever use my cell phone at a gas station nor while it’s charging, no matter who I need to call or is calling me at that moment.

I can’t use the remote in a hotel room because I don’t know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can’t sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed!

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking your nose. (Although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)

And don’t forget the lemons!!!! Don’t get them in your drinks (if they still have the peel). Dirty hands are everywhere!!!!

Eating a Little Debbie snacks sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can’t touch any woman’s purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa’s novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put ‘Under God’< on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face…disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t tell at least 100,000 people about this in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician…

Have a wonderful day….

Oh, by the way……

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their computer screens with their hand on the mouse.

Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

Thanks to joanal33!!

Possums sleep in the middle of the road, with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in Georgia.

There are 10,000 types of spiders.  All 10,000 live in Georgia, plus a couple no one’s seen before.

If it grows - it sticks; ….  if it crawls - it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

There is no such thing as ‘lunch.’  There is only dinner and then there  is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you’re two.  We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and forwards means ‘I know everything about you.’

You don’t have to wear a watch, because it doesn’t matter what time it is.  You work until you’re done, or it’s too dark to see.

You don’ t PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from ‘heat’ to ‘A/C’ in the same day.

‘Fix’ is a verb.  Example: ‘I’m fixing to go to the store.’ ‘Fixinto’ is one word.

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect, or animal.

You install security lights on your house, and garage, and leave both unlocked.

You know what a ‘DAWG’ is.

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only own four spices:  salt, pepper, Tabasco, and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require six pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday. 100 degrees Fahrenheit is ‘a little warm.’

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as ‘goin’ Wal-martin’, or off to ‘Wally World.’

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn’t a soda, cola or pop . . . it’s a Coke, Regardless of brand or flavor.  Example:  ‘What kinda coke you want?’

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

We don’t need no stinking driver’s ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

If you understand these jokes please forward them to your friends from Georgia (and those who just wish they were).

EVERYONE can’t be a Georgian; it takes talent.  You might say it’s an art form, or a gift from God!

Thanks to dj46 who sent these lovely little thoughts!

These are the kinds of Americans (?) who will determine which candidate will “push the red button” in the White House!

DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING!

1. Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
2. Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
3. Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
4. Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
5. Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
6. Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
7. Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
8. Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
9. Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
10. Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going through mental pause.
11. Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Remember, these people can vote…

Thanks to Shinozi for this frightening Information!!

*God didn’t mean for women over 50 to have babies because He knew they would put them down and forget where they left them.

*A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills… she has 14 kids but doesn’t really care.

*One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

*My mind not only wanders, it sometimes leaves completely.

*The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

*The nice part about living in a small town is that if you don’t remember what you have done, someone else will.

*The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

*Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.

*Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

*I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing to gether and setting fire to my knicker’s.

*Amazing!  You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

*Skinny people irritate me!  Especially when they say things like…’You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ …..Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat.  You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat!

*The trouble with some folks is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry it.

*I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast.  Are they kidding?  That’s my idea of a perfect day!

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he asks about his bill and the barber replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a “thank you” card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a “thank you” card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a “thank you” card and a dozen different books, such as How to Improve Your Business and Becoming More Successful.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies, “I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.” The Congressman is very happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the members of our Congress.

Thanks to Lawrence of MPIDirect

This is worth watching. Dime Box, Tx, made it all the way to Congress.

We are in trouble, people, better wake up quickly.

OH MY GOSH: Your congress at work, YOU’RE GOING TO LOVE THIS ONE!!!!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=e-LOtKIIKcg

Thanks to: Shinozi!!

Two young guys were talking about what they wanted to find in their mate. One friend said,”Some people say people with opposite characteristics make the happiest marriages. What do you think?”

The second friend replied, “I think they’re right. That’s why I am looking for a girl with money!“

Thanks to Riverdotr

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60! I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing bass-ackwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. “My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry.” We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sgt in the new army now, “Get down and give me ER One.”

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else, put us on border patrol, we will have it secured the first night.

Thanks to Lawrence at MPI Direct.

What it took to get an 8th grade education in 1895…

Remember when grandparents and great-grandparents stated that they only had an 8th grade education? Well, check this out. Could any of us have passed the 8th grade in 1895?

This is the eighth-grade final exam from 1895 in Salina , Kansas , USA . It was taken from the original document on file at the Smokey Valley Genealogical Society and Library in Salina , and reprinted by the Salina Journal.

8th Grade Final Exam: Salina , KS -1895

Grammar (Time, one hour)

1. Give nine rules for the use of capital letters.
2. Name the parts of speech and define those that have no modifications.
3. Define verse, stanza and paragraph
4. What are the principal parts of a verb? Give principal parts of ‘lie,”play,’ and ‘run.’
5. Define case; illustrate each case.
6 What is punctuation? Give rules for principal marks of punctuation.
7 - 10. Write a composition of about 150 words and show therein that you understand the practical use of the rules of grammar.

Arithmetic (Time,1 hour 15 minutes )

1. Name and define the Fundamental Rules of Arithmetic.
2. A wagon box is 2 ft. deep, 10 feet long, and 3 ft. wide. How many bushels of wheat will it hold?
3. If a load of wheat weighs 3,942 lbs., what is it worth at 50cts/bushel, deducting 1,050 lbs. for tare?
4. District No 33 has a valuation of $35,000. What is the necessary levy to carry on a school seven months at $50 per month, and have $104 for incidentals?
5. Find the cost of 6,720 lbs. coal at $6.00 per ton.
6. Find the interest of $512.60 for 8 months and 18 days at 7 percent.
7. What is the cost of 40 boards 12 inches wide and 16 ft. long at $20 per metre?
8. Find bank discount on $300 for 90 days (no grace) at 10 percent.
9. What is the cost of a square farm at $15 per acre, the distance of which is 640 rods?
10. Write a Bank Check, a Promissory Note, and a Receipt

U.S. History (Time, 45 minutes)

1. Give the epochs into which U.S. History is divided
2. Give an account of the discovery of America by Columbus .
3. Relate the causes and results of the Revolutionary War.
4. Show the territorial growth of the United States
5. Tell what you can of the history of Kansas
6. Describe three of the most prominent battles of the Rebellion.
7. Who were the following: Morse, Whitney, Fulton , Bell , Lincoln , Penn, and Howe?
8. Name events connected with the following dates: 1607, 1620, 1800, 1849, 1865.

Orthography (Time, one hour) [Do we even know what this is??]

1. What is meant by the following: alphabet, phonetic, orthography, etymology, syllabication
2. What are elementary sounds? How classified?
3. What are the following, and give examples of each: trigraph, subvocals, diphthong, cognate letters, linguals
4. Give four substitutes for caret ‘U .’ (HUH?)
5 Give two rules for spelling words with final ‘e.’ Name two exceptions under each rule.
6. Give two uses of silent letters in spelling. Illustrate each.
7. Define the following prefixes and use in connection with a word: bi, dis, mis, pre, semi, post, non, inter, mono, sup.
8. Mark diacritically and divide into syllables the following, and name the sign that indicates the sound: card, ball, mercy, sir, odd, cell, rise, blood, f are, last.
9. Use the following correctly in sentences: cite, site, sight, fane, fain, feign, vane , vain, vein, raze, raise, rays.
10. Write 10 words frequently mispronounced and indicate pronunciation by use of diacritical marks and by syllabication.

Geography (Time, one hour)

1 What is climate? Upon what does climate depend?
2. How do you account for the extremes of climate in Kansas ?
3. Of what use are rivers? Of what use is the ocean?
4. Describe the mountains of North America
5. Name and describe the following : Monrovia , Odessa , Denver , Manitoba , Hecla , Yukon , St. Helena, Juan Fernandez, Aspinwall and Orinoco ..
6. Name and locate the principal trade centers of the U.S.
7. Name all the republics of Europe and give the capital of each.
8. Why is the Atlantic Coast colder than the Pacific in the same latitude?
9. Describe the process by which the water of the ocean returns to the sources of rivers.

10. Describe the movements of the earth. Give the inclination of the earth.

Notice that the exam took FIVE HOURS to complete.

Gives the saying ‘he only had an 8th grade education’ a whole new meaning, doesn’t it?!

Also shows you how poor our education system has become! and, NO! I don’t have the answers!

Thanks to dj456!!

Now, before you go telling me that Snopes says this is false, let me tell you - I’m against Snopes on this one. This was a **real** exam. And it was a **tough** exam. It demonstrates that people “back then” were expected to know a broad range of topics in depth - or as far in depth as could be taught at the 8th grade level in 1895. We know more now, and yet our kids are expected to know less at the same grade level.

They know less grammar. They know less basic arithmetic - much less higher math. If you can’t “do” basic arithmetic, you can’t “do” higher math. Because a wrong answer to a basic arithmetic problem can really mess up calculating the orbit of the Hubble satellite!

And, by the way, between the Ol’ Curmudgeon and I, we do have an 8th grade education!

THIS IS INCREDIBLE…. Read all the Numbers… Slowly and in Order!! Careful not to MISS ANY

1

2

3

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

14

15

16

17

18

19

20

21

22

23

24

25

26

27

28

29

30

Finished?
Scroll down ………………..

GOOD ! TOMORROW I’LL SEND YOU THE ABC’s !

It takes so little to amuse some old codgers