Ponderisms

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(Some Things to Think About, But Not Too Seriously)

1- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2- There are two kinds of pedestrians . . . The quick and the dead.

3- Life is sexually transmitted.

4- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7- Have you noticed since everyone has a cell phone these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8- Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10- In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

11- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12- Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out’? Hmmmmm, How about eggs? . .

13- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14- Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15- If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

16- Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

17- Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18- Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

19- Can you cry under water?

20- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

21- If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

22- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

23- Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

24- Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

25- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

26- What disease did cured ham actually have?

27- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

28- Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

29- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

30- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

31- Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

32- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

33- How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

34- Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

35- If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?

36- Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!

38- What do you call male ballerinas?

39- Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream?

40- If Wyle E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?

41- If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

42- Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

43- Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

44- Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

45- Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window.

46- If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

47- Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

48- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

49- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

50- Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

51- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

52- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

53- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

54- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

55- Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety one?

56- “I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?

57- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn’t it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

58- What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald men?

59- I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

60- Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don’t they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

61- You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

62- No one ever says, “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.

63- Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went bonkers.

64- Ever wonder about those people who spend $3.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

65- Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

66- OK … so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the “Jags” and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the “Bucs,” what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

67- If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

68- The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then …….

69- Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

70- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

72- Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

73- Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

74- Who was the first person to say, “See that chicken over there? I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt.”

75- Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

76- If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

77- Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

78- If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

79- Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

80- Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

81- Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

82- If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

83- Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?

84- Never take life seriously; nobody gets out alive anyway.

85- Why is 71 missing?

And Then It Is Winter

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I first started reading this & was reading fast until I reached the third sentence. I stopped and started over reading slower and slower and thinking about every word. This is very thought provoking. Makes you stop and think. Read slowly!

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And Then It Is Winter

You know, time has a way of moving quickly and catching you unaware of the passing years. It seems just yesterday that I was young, just married and embarking on my new life with my mate. Yet in a way, it seems like eons ago, and I wonder where all the years went. I know that I lived them all. I have glimpses of how it was back then and of all my hopes and dreams.

But, here it is – the ‘Back Nine’ of my life and it catches me by surprise. How did I get here so fast? Where did the years go and where did my youth go? I remember vividly seeing older people through the years and thinking that those older people were years away from me and that ‘I was only on the first hole’ and the ‘Back Nine’ was so far off that I could not fathom it or imagine fully what it would be like.

But, here it is . . . my friends are retired and getting grey. They move slower and I see an older person now. Some are in better and some worse shape than me, but, I see the great change. Not like the ones that I remember who were young and vibrant . . . but like me, their age is beginning to show and we are now those older folks that we used to see and never thought we’d become. Each day now, I find that just getting a shower is a real target for the day! And taking a nap is not a treat anymore . . . it’s mandatory! Cause if I don’t on my own free will, I just fall asleep where I sit!

And so, now I enter into this new season of my life unprepared for all the aches and pains and the loss of strength and ability to go and do things that I wish I had done but never did ! But, at least I know, that though I’m on the ‘Back Nine’, and I’m not sure how long it will last, this I know for sure, that when it’s over on this earth . . . it’s over. A new adventure will begin!

Yes, I have regrets. There are things I wish I hadn’t done . . . things I should have done, but indeed, there are many things I’m happy to have done. It’s all in a lifetime.

So, if you’re not on the ‘Back Nine’ yet . . . let me remind you, that it will be here faster than you think. So, whatever you would like to accomplish in your life please do it quickly! Don’t put things off too long! Life goes by quickly. So, do what you can today, as you can never be sure whether you’re on the ‘Back Nine’ or not! You have no promise that you will see all the seasons of your life . . . so, live for today and say all the things that you want your loved ones to remember, and hope that they appreciate and love you for all the things that you have done for them in all the years past!

“Life” is a gift to you. The way you live your life is your gift to those who come after. Make it a fantastic one.

LIVE IT WELL!
ENJOY TODAY!
DO SOMETHING FUN!
BE HAPPY!
HAVE A GREAT DAY!

Remember, “It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.”

LIVE HAPPY IN 2013

LASTLY, CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING:

~ Your kids are becoming you . . . but your grandchildren are perfect
~ Going out is good . . . Coming home is better!
~ You forget names . . . But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!
~ You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything . . . especially golf
~ The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore!
~ You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s called “pre-sleep”.
~ You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch..
~ You tend to use more 4 letter words . . . “what?” . . . “when?”. . . ???
~ Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
~ You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless!”
~ What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~ Everybody whispers.
~ You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet . . . 2 of which you will never wear.

~~~ But Old is good in some things
~~~ Old Songs, Old Movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS

It’s not what you gather, but what you scatter that tells what kind of life you have lived.

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts!

Please SKIP if you have no sense of humor!

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Wedding ring, Byzantium, 7th c. AD, nielloed gold.

Image via Wikipedia Wedding ring, Byzantium, 7th c. AD, nielloed gold

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
OR get married and wish you were dead.

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At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, ‘Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?’

‘Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.’

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A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

Husband Wanted’.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’

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When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

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A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

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A little boy asked his father, ‘Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?’
Father replied, ‘I don’t know son, I’m still paying.’

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A young son asked, ‘Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?’

Dad replied, ‘That happens in every country, son.’

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Then there was a woman who said, ‘I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.’

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Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

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If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say — talk in your sleep.

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Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

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First guy says, ‘My wife’s an angel!’

Second guy remarks, ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’

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‘A Woman’s Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, To understand a man, to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, For his moods.  Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I’ll just beat him to death’

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AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.

A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, ‘Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.’

The blind man replies, ‘If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we’d be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.’

Thanks, Dan!

Seniors Overheard At Cracker Barrel

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FoodFriday #17: Cracker Barrel - Old Country Store
Seniors Overheard At Cracker Barrel

A group of seniors met for lunch and were sitting around talking about all their ailments:

“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.

“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”

“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.

“What?  Speak up!  What?  I can’t hear you!”

“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.

“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.

“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting older,” winced a senior man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

“Well, count your blessings,” said one of the women cheerfully – – “Thank God all of us can still drive.”

Gentle? Humor!

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, “I’m not going.”
“Why not?” she asked.
I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “(1), they don’t like me, and (2), I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why you SHOULD go to church:
(1) You’re 59 years old, and (2) you’re the pastor!”
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The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town’s annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
“This baked ham is really delicious,” the priest teased the rabbi.
“You really ought to try it. I know it’s against your religion, but I can’t understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don’t know what you’re missing. You just haven’t lived until you’ve tried Mrs. Hall’s prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?”
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, “At your wedding.”
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The Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps.
“Where would you like to sit?” he asked politely.
“The front row, please,” she answered.
“You really don’t want to do that,” the usher said. “The pastor is really boring.”
“Do you happen to know who I am?” the woman inquired.
“No,” he said.
“I’m the pastor’s mother,” she replied indignantly.
“Do you know who I am?” he asked.
“No,” she said.
“Good,” he answered.
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Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a “show and tell” assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David.”
The second student got up in front of the class and said, “My name is Mary. I’m a Catholic and this is a Rosary.”
The third student got in up front of the class and said, “My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole.”
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The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby “Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,” the priest said.
“No,” said the minister. “I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven.”
“You’re both wrong,” the guru said. “The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor.”
The repairman could contain himself no longer. “Hey, fellas,” he interrupted. “The best prayin’ I ever did was when I was hangin’ upside down from a telephone pole.”
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The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country. “I’ve had a pretty good life,” the twenty proclaimed. “Why I’ve been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City, the finest restaurants in New York, performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean.”
“Wow!” said the one-dollar bill. “You’ve really had an exciting life!”
“So, tell me,” says the twenty, “where have you been throughout your lifetime?”
The one dollar bill replies, “Oh, I’ve been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church , the Lutheran Church. . .”
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, “What’s a church?”
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Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
“Goat,” the little boy replied.
“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”
“Yep,” said the youngster. “I heard Dad say to Mom, ‘Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.’ “
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Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth.

The 545 People Responsible for All of America’s Woes

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HIGHLY RECOMMENDED READ!!

The 545.

Although written about 25 years ago, this is a timeless piece, and deserves wide reading.

{By the way, I do NOT support Ron Paul, so don’t feel that you should purchase his books from this website.}