Laugh – Until It Isn’t Funny Anymore!

Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.

4. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can’t remember who sent you this list.

You notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Best Menopause Question Ever

Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?

Answer: One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don’t even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.

And, once they figured it out, they wouldn’t be able to find the stupid light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!

But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2

DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the

STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND

UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT

BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES

OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL

SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT

DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!!

IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND

DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE

TOILET PAPER ROLL!!

I’m sorry. What was the question?

Thanks to Suzanna

Just Logic

A little something someone sent me that is indisputable mathematical logic.
(It also made me Laugh Out Loud.) Remember, this is a strictly mathematical viewpoint. It goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And:

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you:

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard Work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bullshit and Asskissing that will put you over the top!!

Thanks to 5 people who sent this on the same day!!

S O M E T I M E S -

Sometimes

Sometimes

Sometimes…
when you cry….
no one sees your tears.

Sometimes…
when you are in pain.
no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes..
when you are worried..
no one sees your stress

Sometimes..
when you are happy..
no one sees your smile .. -

-

But FART !! just ONE time….

And everybody knows!!

Gotcha!! You thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories!

I Am So Bored

I am So Bored!

Differences Between Liberals and Conservatives

From the Boortz Blast:

No, I didn’t write this. I wish I did. Because it’s the painful truth. And you know how much I love to stir the puddin’. This list was actually forwarded to me from a friend of mine … Ain’t this the truth?

If a conservative doesn’t like guns, he doesn’t buy one.
If a liberal doesn’t like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a conservative is a vegetarian, he doesn’t eat meat.
If a liberal is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a conservative sees a foreign threat, he thinks about how to defeat his enemy.
If a liberal sees a foreign threat, he wonders how to surrender gracefully and still look good.

If a conservative is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a liberal is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a person of color is conservative, he sees himself as independently successful.
If a person of color is liberal, he sees himself as a victim in need of government protection.

If a conservative is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
If a liberal is down-and-out, he wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a conservative doesn’t like a talk show host, he switches channels.
If a liberal doesn’t like a talk show host, he demands that those he doesn’t like be shut down.

If a conservative is a non-believer, he doesn’t go to church.
If a liberal is a non-believer, he wants any mention of God and religion silenced. (Unless it’s a foreign religion, of course!)

If a conservative decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
If a liberal decides he needs health care, he demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a conservative slips and falls in a store, he gets up, laughs and is embarrassed.
If a liberal slips and falls, he grabs his neck, moans like he’s in labor and then sues.

If a conservative reads this, he’ll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
If a liberal reads this, he’ll delete it because he’s “offended”.

How Many Cats Does It Take to Screw in a Light Bulb?

Persian: “Light bulb? What light bulb?”

Somali: “The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re worrying about a burned out light bulb?”

Norwegian Forest Cat: “Just one. And I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to date, too.”

Cornish Rex: “Hey Guys, I’ve found the switch.”

Sphynx: “Turn it back on again, I’m cold.”

Singapura: “I’ll just blow in the other cat’s ear and he’ll do it.”

Siamese: “Make me!”

Birman: “Puh-leeez, dahling. I have servants for that kind of thing.”

Maine Coon: “Oh, me, me! Pleeeeeeaze let me change the light bulb! Can I, huh? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?”

Exotic: “Let the other cat do it. You can feed me while he’s busy.”

Manx: “Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.”

Russian Blue: “While it’s dark, I’m going to sleep on the couch.”

Korat: “Korats are not afraid of the dark.”

British shorthair: “Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I ate was a light bulb?”

Turkish Angora: “You need light to see?”

American Shorthair: “None, catnap time is too precious to waste!”

Inner Strength

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,

If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can face the world without lies and deceit,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without liquor,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,

If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

Kids on Marriage

Subject: HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
– Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
– Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
– Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
– Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
– Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don’t want any more kids.
– Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
– Lynnette, age 8 (isn’t she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
– Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
– Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they’re rich.
– Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
– Curt, age 7!

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.
– Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
– Anita, age 9 (bless you child)

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
– Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is……..

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
– Ricky, age 10

Ten Puns

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall.

The one turns to the other and says,”Dam”!

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft.

Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron.”

The other says “Are you sure?”

The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal?

His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.

“But why?” they asked, as they moved off.

“Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.”

The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.”

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal.

Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

8. Some friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did????

A Vet Visit

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.

He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$150.00!” she cried. “$150.00 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20.00. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”

Swine Flu ADVICE – latest info from Dept. of Health

THIS IS SERIOUS!!!!

If you wake up looking like this don’t go to work!

Swine Flu

Swine Flu

Oh My!!

Wait Upon the Lord

After starting a new diet I altered my drive to work to avoid passing my favorite bakery. I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning, and as I approached, there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed … ‘Lord, it’s up to you, if you want me to have any of those delicious goodies, create a parking place for me directly in front of the bakery.’ And sure enough, on the eighth time around the block, there it was!

God is so Good!

… No Abraham Lincoln

So I said to him, Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you aint Abe Lincoln.

So I said to him, "Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain't Abe Lincoln."

So I said to him, “Barack, I know Abe Lincoln, and you ain’t Abe Lincoln.”

Labor is prior to, and independent of, capital. Capital is only the fruit of labor, and could never have existed if labor had not first existed. Labor is the superior of capital, and deserves much the higher consideration.” Lincoln’s First Annual Message to Congress, December 3, 1861.

“Public sentiment is everything. With public sentiment, nothing can fail; without it nothing can succeed.” The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume III, “Lincoln-Douglas Debate at Ottawa” (August 21, 1858), p. 27.

“Leave nothing for tomorrow which can be done today.” The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume II, “Notes for a Law Lecture” (July 1, 1850?), p. 81.

“Property is the fruit of labor…property is desirable…is a positive good in the world. That some should be rich shows that others may become rich, and hence is just encouragement to industry and enterprise. Let not him who is houseless pull down the house of another; but let him labor diligently and build one for himself, thus by example assuring that his own shall be safe from violence when built.” The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume VII, “Reply to New York Workingmen’s Democratic Republican Association” (March 21, 1864), pp. 259-260.

“The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. The occasion is piled high with difficulty, and we must rise with the occasion. As our case is new, so we must think anew, and act anew. We must disenthrall ourselves, and then we shall save our country.” Lincoln’s Second Annual Message to Congress, December 1, 1862.

“We all declare for liberty; but in using the same word we do not all mean the same thing. With some the word liberty may mean for each man to do as he pleases with himself, and the product of his labor; while with others, the same word may mean for some men to do as they please with other men, and the product of other men’s labor. Here are two, not only different, but incompatible things, called by the same name – liberty. And it follows that each of the things is, by the respective parties, called by two different and incompatible names – liberty and tyranny.” The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume VII, “Address at Sanitary Fair, Baltimore, Maryland” (April 18, 1864), p. 301-302.

“At what point shall we expect the approach of danger? By what means shall we fortify against it? Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never! All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years. At what point, then, is the approach of danger to be expected? I answer, if it ever reach us it must spring up amongst us. It cannot come from abroad. If destruction be our lot, we must ourselves be its author and finisher. As a nation of freemen, we must live through all time, or die by suicide.” The Collected Works of Abraham Lincoln edited by Roy P. Basler, Volume I, “Address Before the Young Men’s Lyceum of Springfield, Illinois (January 27, 1838), p. 109.

No man is good enough to govern another man without that other’s consent. – Abraham Lincoln

While the people retain their virtue and vigilance, no administration, by any extreme of wickedness or folly, can very seriously injure the government in the short space of four years.- Abraham Lincoln

Any people anywhere, being inclined and having the power, have the right to rise up and shake off the existing government and form a new one. This is a most valuable and sacred right – a right which we hope and believe is to liberate the world. – Abraham Lincoln

=====

You cannot help the poor by destroying the rich.
You cannot strengthen the weak by weakening the strong.
You cannot bring about prosperity by discouraging thrift.
You cannot lift the wage earner up by pulling the wage payer down.
You cannot further the brotherhood of man by inciting class hatred.
You cannot build character and courage by taking away people’s initiative and independence.
You cannot help people permanently by doing for them, what they could and should do for themselves.

…..William J. H. Boetcker (1873 – 1962)

To All Seniors, Impending Seniors, Those Who Know Seniors

This is dedicated to all of us who are seniors, to all of you who know seniors, and to all of you who will become seniors. It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are!

“WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!” The irate customer calling the newspaper office, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Madam”, said the newspaper employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY”.

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as she was heard to mutter, “Well, shit, so that’s why no one was at church today.”

Happy Thoughts!

Think about these one at a time before going on to the next one.

It does make you feel good, especially the thought at the end of #44.

1. Falling in love.

2. Laughing so hard your face hurts.

3. A hot shower.

4. No lines at the supermarket .

5. A special glance

6. Getting mail.

7. Taking a drive on a pretty road.

8. Hearing your favorite song on the radio.

9. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.

10. Hot towels fresh out of the dryer.

11. Chocolate milkshake (vanilla or strawberry).

12. A bubble bath.

13. Giggling.

15. The beach.

16. Finding a 20 dollar bill in your coat from last winter..

17. Laughing at yourself.

18. Looking into their eyes and knowing they Love you

19. Midnight phone calls that last for hours.

20. Running through sprinklers.

21. Laughing for absolutely no reason at all.

22. Having someone tell you that you’re beautiful.

23. Laughing at an inside joke with FRIENDS

24. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you.

25. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours left to sleep.

26. Your first kiss (either the very first or with a new partner).

27. Making new friends or spending time with old ones.

28. Playing with a new puppy.

29. Having someone play with your hair.

30. Sweet dreams.

31. Hot chocolate.

32. Road trips with friends.

33. Swinging on swings.

34. Making eye contact with a cute stranger.

35. Making chocolate chip cookies.

36. Having your friends send you homemade cookies.

37. Holding hands with someone you care about.

38. Running into an old friend and realizing that some things (good or bad) never change..

39. Watching the expression on someone’s face as they open a much desired present from you.

40. Watching the sunrise.

41. Getting out of bed every morning and being grateful for another beautiful day.

42. Knowing that somebody misses you.

43. Getting a hug from someone you care about deeply..

44. Knowing you’ve done the right thing, no matter what other people think.

Pass on These Natural Highs to at Least 7 People in the Next Half Hour.

Lord, keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth

Thanks to Woolfolk3!

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, “Happy Birthday!”, and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ” Happy Birthday.”

I thought…. Well, that’s marriage for you, but the kids…. They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, “Good Morning Boss,and by the way Happy Birthday!”

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “Thanks, Jane, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go !”

We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quite bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, “You know, It’s such a beautiful day… We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do We?”

I responded, “I guess not. What do you have in mind ?” She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, ” Boss, if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I’ll be right back.”

“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …

Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.

And I just sat there…

On the couch…

Naked

My 1 Day Employment

So – after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day……..

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart! Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, ‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone actually slept with you twice. Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

How is Norma Doing?

A sweet grandmother telephoned Parkview Hospital . She timidly asked, ‘Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?’

The operator said ‘I’ll be glad to help dear. What’s the name and room number?’ The grandmother in her weak tremulous voice said, ‘Norma Findlay, Room 302.’ The operator replied, ‘Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.’

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, ‘Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.’

The grandmother said, ‘Thank you .. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you for the good news.’

The operator replied, ‘You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?’

The grandmother said, ‘No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit.’

Great Tips for 2009

1.  Stay out of trouble.

Stay Out of Trouble

Stay Out of Trouble


2.  Aim for greater heights.

Aim for Greater Heights

Aim for Greater Heights


3.  Stay focused on your job.

Stay Focused on Your Job

Stay Focused on Your Job


4.  Exercise to maintain good health.

Exercise for Good Health

Exercise for Good Health


5.  Practice team work.

Practice Team Work

Practice Team Work


6.  Rely on your trusted partner to watch your back.  Take your time trusting others.

Rely on You Trusted Partner to Watch Your Back

Rely on You Trusted Partner to Watch Your Back

7.  Save for rainy days.

Save for Rainy Days

Save for Rainy Days


8.  Rest and relax.

Rest and Relax

Rest and Relax

9.  Always take time to smile.

Always Take Time to Smile

Always Take Time to Smile


AND

10.  Realize that nothing is impossible.

Realize Nothing is Impossible

Realize Nothing is Impossible


This should make you smile:

This Should Make You Smile

This Should Make You Smile

SERENITY


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,

‘How old was your husband?’
‘98,’ she replied, ‘Two years older than me’
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented.
She responded , ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporter interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

‘And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?’ the reporter asked.
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’


The nice thing about being senile is You can hide your own Easter eggs.


I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I’m half blind,
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia ..
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can’t remember if I’m 89 or 98.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.


It’s scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
For fast relief
.’

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.


Always Remember This:
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old,

You grow old because you stop laughing!!!

The Veterinarian’s Wife

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the pastor of the Granville Presbyterian church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw a little old lady put the distinctive pink envelope in the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

“Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,” he stated.

“Why yes,” she replied, “every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church.”

The pastor asked, “That’s wonderful, how much does he send you?”

The old lady replied, “$10,000 a week.” The pastor was amazed. “Your son is very successful! What does he do for a living?”

“He is a veterinarian,” she answered.

“That is an honourable profession,” the pastor said. “Where does he practice?”

The little old lady said proudly, “In Nevada. He has two cat houses in Las Vegas and one in Reno.

Thanks to DanL!

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